Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Balancing Act

When Deity asked me to take care of these pages until his return, I wrote back to say that I would be happy to write two or three pieces over the week. It will come as no surprise to readers that he wrote back to say that it pleased him that I had agreed to write three pieces whilst he was away. I suppose some might say that my negotiation skills need some work!

With two pieces of writing ‘in the bag’, for some reason I was vacillating about a topic for the final piece for him. I thought about writing about ‘discipline’ as it applied to dress code. I mentioned the idea to Deity and I could feel him squirming in his seat. He wanted to trust me and yet, old pal Vesta hadn’t exactly embraced latex as yet, had she? His reply about my choice was not exactly exuberant.

Taking the hint, I abandoned that idea for a discussion about ‘control’. I’ve long been fascinated with all the strategies a dom uses to control his girl, from a ‘look’ or ‘hint’, to use of the whip. I was fascinated by Deity’s memory of his control over June. The poor wee thing said that she was unsure about wearing no panties under a short skirt to a restaurant, whereupon she would meet with him. So, what did he say?

Then, there is no reason for us to see each other again.”

Oh, June! You fell for the oldest trick in the book! Mind you, I have fallen for the same trick...but that’s another story for another day. And, let’s be honest here, for I am among readers of ‘like mind’, I loved every minute of it.

The 2007 archives here are scintillating reading. For those who have not read back there, put aside a full Sunday afternoon for that delicious treat. Ultimately, I needed to settle on one post and it is Egalité, and the discussion therein about equality. That morning back in 2007, Deity, by his own admission, pushed his girl too far. He wanted her back into a corset before the weather was appropriately mild for such a garment to be worn with some comfort. He had compared her to her idol in an effort to motivate her. Wrong. When asked for her thoughts she said,

“Why do you insist on us being unequal?”

Here was the response to a much bigger question. It was a question that went to the heart of their power exchange. As fascinating as his discussion is in the post, I was most taken to his response to comments. He suggested to one person who commented that perhaps we should just “enjoy the ebb and flow”. To another, “as I have changed my submissive, so have they changed me.” It was, he said, about finding the “balance” between the two people.

In another favourite post of mine, A convenient side effect Deity has written a list of behaviours and actions relating to his role in his relationship with his girl. One point notes:

“You forcefully point out that she needs to stop criticizing herself...because it will short circuit her impulse to over-analyse, and because she requires the authority of a boss.”

Ah! I relate. In fact, he could have been talking about me. You see, I need to be forcefully reminded to stop criticizing myself. I need to have my impulse to over-analyse short-circuited, and I also need the authority of a boss.

I’ve spoken before about the fact that I took my own sweet time to reveal myself to my husband. I’ve gone through the erotic ecstasies of being asked to be spanked and I’ve also ridden the highs of being asked to be dominated; not just in the bedroom, but all day, every day. In my most recent post here I talked of the fact that I am not at peace with my decision to be in a power exchange relationship every minute of every day. I’ve fought my own nature, and I’ve resisted my dominant’s control and my mentor’s control.

But, the truth is my husband has always led the way for the two of us. He has always expected that I would follow along behind. Why resist his status as ‘the boss’ now, all these years later, and when I finally had what I had always wanted? Some days, I try to push him to be “equal”, whilst he resists the equality sticker with every fibre of his being. It just isn’t going to happen. We are “equals” but our roles are very different; always have been and always will be. In essence, I am wasting my time, and my opportunity to be happy.

My resistance to my ‘place’ is not so much I don’t recognize that I need the authority of a boss, as it is my never ending desire to “over-analyse”. I just so very much want to get this right; to be sure that I should be doing what I am doing. Perhaps, it would have been easier if I had never been educated! Alas, I need to be sure; 100% sure that a power exchange is right, and that I am doing it right.

One day recently, I was speaking to an incredibly patient and tolerant dom. He was allowing me to blither on in a ‘chat’, not offering too much, until finally he decided to take the role of the dominant and see if he couldn’t talk me through my concerns.

“Why is it that you require being made to do something?”

“Well, it's not my choice...It's someone else's choice about my body.”

“But, haven't you given that choice over to me? So you don’t trust me to choose for you?”

“Well, when you put it like that, I don't know what to say.”

“That is the fallacy of ‘submitting is hard.’ You already submitted, you gave me the choice, and then when I make it, you take it back.

“Yes, I totally see your point. I feel quite enlightened.”

“It is like the quietening of the ego.”

“I am happiest when I am most calm.”

“But, getting calm is the challenge. Giving away the choice, and accepting what you get back, is calming. The resistance is the noise.”

It made total sense and yet, I could not embrace the notions with consistency. I needed to find a way to have a power exchange whereby I could ‘quieten my ego’ and at the same time express my thoughts which may not be in agreement with my husband. How did I do that?

In the past few weeks, I have had the great good fortune of becoming dear friends with a submissive woman who was able to answer that question for me. Like me, she and her husband are ‘life partners’. Like me, sometimes she disagrees with a decision her husband is making in their business. She related to my issues and being the darling that she is, she wanted to get this sorted for me, so that I could truly be happy.

“Master often asks my opinion about things, and when He asks my opinion as such, He will get an honest answer. Not what He wants to hear. In the end it is He who will decide, but He will know when i don't agree with His choice. I usually say: yes, do it the way you see is best but you must know that i don't agree with you. And, of course sometimes i feel angry and worried. But it goes away quickly... isn't submission wonderful! We are a team in life. So are you two!”

Finally, I had my answer. Who knows why we finally understand something on one day and not another! But in those words, I realized how to live – as a submissive; a submissive with a voice, and perhaps with a different opinion, but a submissive with a dominant who would make the ultimate decision. He is ‘the boss’, and I am the submissive, and that is what works for us; our version of a ‘power exchange.’

We must all find our “balance”; what works for us. I’m proud to be writing on the blog of a man who has put great effort into ensuring that his girl is as happy as he. And, I believe they are both blissfully happy. If that’s not balance, what is?


Clemmi said...

Excellent post Vesta!

i wouldn't have said it any better if i had to!

please take a moment to reflect upon the fact that there is at least one good girl hanging around your blog. Interesting isn't it?


Vesta said...

Dear Clemmi,

Thank you. Is the "at least one good girl" you or me? LOL

I have no doubt that Deity has many readers who could be classified as 'good girls'. They are just feeling a bit shy at the moment, that's all!