Tuesday, October 16, 2007


I find some of my most productive discussions with my girl regarding our power exchange tend to occur during our morning routine of breakfast. It could be that we've had nothing of the real world actively pressing on us for the duration of our slumber, thus freeing our minds to comfortably explore the topic. It could be the soft light of the morning that spills into our dining foyer that eases the conversation along, like the first incubating warmth of a mother hen as she sits on her darling little eggs. Or perhaps it's the act of breaking our fast, the comfort of being once again part of the collective waking that happens around this city - all over a cup of coffee and some toast.

Whatever factors play into this phenomenon, i look forward to the real progress her and i tend to make during these conversations. A few weeks back, a discussion that has often come up, dribbled back into the porous but sound foundation of our power exchange. We'd prattled in a playful way about how corset season was rapidly approaching. The weather was slowly releasing its grip on its romance with the tropics, giving way to a crisper peel in the air, and i had indicated that it was starting to be time where she would need to lace everyday. She objected, citing the still high level of humidity, which despite the air temperature, makes binding a thick corset around one's mid-section akin to a localized trip to the tropics. I chided her, asking where my resilient girl had gone and who was this easily discouraged creature in her place. She rebutted my efforts at cajolery with a simple oral intake of her upper lip, sucking on it between her teeth.

Now, as the dominant, it is my job (one of many) to push, challenge, and expand the frontiers of our intimate connection. I have many tools i can use to perform this role. But, this is not a simple-minded role, one made without reflection, study or observation. I'm not merely pushing a round stone to the edge of an embankment, searching for that final point right before it tilts its weight into a freefall below. A thousand factors differentiate my girl from a boulder. I must account for these, or risk pushing too far by simply being an ass.

"You know, Cathie Jung laces every day."

She looked at me, with her chin on the back of her hand, blinking one long drawn out shutter of her eyes. I saw i hadn't been effective. Further, i had to push further.

"I've no doubt that Dita would tough it out."

I didn't even need to check to see if my attempt had successfully motivated her. I could tell by the sensation of daggers at my throat that came from her icy stare what she thought of that remark. I looked anyway. Yep, i'd gone too far.

My girl is incredibly competitive, insisting on many avenues at being the best and most accomplished. Parading into our discussion two icons in the field of tightlacing who have the resources and daily accoutrements to comfortably tackle their goal squeezed the last bit of playfulness out of our exchange. I saw what i'd done. But, i hadn't anticipated the turn the dialogue would take.

She remained in her seat, but i could tell that only her body was present. Her mind had lifted her torso up and walked into the other room out of pride. The specter of silence hovered in the air above us, holding still all objects that would seem to move autonomously on their own: the sunbeams arching in through the window, the hands of the wall clock hanging in the living room. I asked her for her thoughts.

"Why do you insist on us being unequal?"

Excuse me? I had expected a complaint about my stubborn views regarding her intolerance of a swampy torso, but this was deeper than i had even envisioned. But, immediately, i saw what she was after. In absorbing my egotistical push for as much as i could get, she'd found herself examining what she felt was a disparity in our exchange. I ask, i shove, i demand...where does she ever get to exact this same toll?

This theme has come up many times in my life. They will struggle with the unending give they are asked for, seeing the direction in the vector that passes between us, and perceive that it is only one way. I've discussed this with my girl many times, when she encounters concerns that her behavior indicates weakness, and even ineptitude. Because this is not a new topic, testing the quality of our power exchange, i employ a tactic not previously considered.

"Do you want a cock?"

"A what?"

"A cock."

I'm not asking her if she craves the sensation of her various orifices filled with my male anatomy. I'm asking if she wants a large penetrating member hanging down between her legs instead of the beautiful petals that blossom there now.

"No. Of course not."

"Then why ask for equality?"

I say this with two things in mind. The first being that equality, as it is being defined here, is largely impossible. Secondly, why is equality so important?

I'll address the first notion, that equality cannot fit in a power exchange, and i'll do so by examining the pure physicality of this arrangement. I have often seen my manifestation in this exchange as the plug, and she as the outlet. I implant my prongs into her slots, and she provides the energy that powers our mechanism. What is equal about that? Without her, the flow never initiates, yet it cannot occur without me penetrating her, somehow, some way. What goes often overlooked is the natural anatomy (and what in the early days of my venture into SM that had me convinced that all girls are submissive) that exists between the two of us. In order for us to copulate, i must enter her, she must accept me, take me in. Regardless of how you choose to look at this, equality can never be established. Which leads me to my second point.

What is so great about equality? Simply, i choose to treat my girl whenever i can. I never look for her to catch up with me. Whenever we are out on a shopping venture (not as common an activity as it may seem), i can assure you that 80% or more of that is dedicated to perfecting her wardrobe or getting something that either one or both of us are obsessed with her having.

I understand what her message is. She struggles sometimes with the notion that her whole life she has chosen for herself how to live, look and act and now finds herself in a situation where a large percentage of that is decided for her. She sometimes feels guilty that she is betraying the morals and standards she feels she was raised with, and other times experiences remorse that she's able to live a life she'd always fantasized about.

For me, i'm too busy enjoying myself to really evaluate who is ahead and who is behind.


gypsy girl said...

I have stumbled upon your blog, and impelled by a sense of uncomfortable curiosity, have read most of your posts. I think it is your sensitivity and perceptiveness that compels me, or rather, forces me to read.

Ani Smith said...

I think you're absolutely right that equality is largely impossible, in any relationship, whether the fact is clearly labeled (as in BDSM) or otherwise.

I am not sure I understood this piece fully, however. I realise you are only speaking for yourself and your girl, but surely you are not saying that the main reason you are not equals is your anatomy? How do you reconcile that with your stated belief that some women are not, in fact, submissive? And what about same-sex couples?

As always, you arouse my curiosity and incite me to think. :)

Anonymous said...

I think any relationship whatever the tone is about finding a balance that works for those involved.
Equality can that happen in any type of relationship?
Are any two people equal?
I know in my own relationships and those of friends it comes down to give and take in one way or another, even in the the most balanced of relationships there is always one who is stronger no matter how subtle it may be.
plus i think men look silly in corsets :) i dont want equality just a balance that works for me :) hope this makes sense

doll said...

Is the relationship not equal? Without each other neither is complete. The positions of submissive and Dominant have to balance, if they do not ultimately the relationship will fail.
Sometimes, as a submissive, i may feel powerless and therefore unequal but if i look at what i want from Master and what i am prepared to do to get that response from him i realize he gives every bit as much as i do. That we are equal participants.

Anonymous said...

On the contrary as to what you were saying, I believe equality exists in any loving relationship. As corny as the saying goes "it takes two to tango," it's true...each of you are 50% in the relationship. Just as you happily have become a dominant persona in this "exchange" as you like to call it, she has equally become submissive. (like your plug, and her outlet) What isn't equal about those two? One without the other would make them individually useless.

Also, I can understand why she felt angered or agitated at your dita comment. Although every woman compares herself to another woman at some point in her life, no man ever should...especially to woman like dita.

am wondering...I have noticed you like to model your submissive girls to woman you idolize? Do all "transformations" occur through the same processes for you?

just butting heads...


Anonymous said...

I entirely empathise with her.

Deity said...

gypsy girl,
i'm grateful for your stumble. I'm glad that it is my sensitivity and perceptiveness that applies force.

you are correct. i'm not saying the main reason we are not equal is due to our anatomy. in fact, i'm not saying that as a reason for it, but something that first got me to ponder our dynamic in this way. i do not have her anatomy, she does not have mine. we are not equal, identical.

so, rather than struggle to try to be equal or identical, enjoy the ebb and flow.

balance i think is in fact the proper word.

men, for my tastes, do not fit well in corsets either. but these are my tastes, and i don't begrudge those who do enjoy this.

i think lili nails it exactly, and you mention it here too:


when i refer to equalness, i mean doing the exact same thing, in the exact same amounts. that is what my girl sometimes struggles with that leads her to feel unequal.

hiya. welcome to these comment pages.

there are long stretches of time, in the annals of domesticity, where one partner carries the load for the other. in a relationship that works, there is no strive for equality, to make things even. harmony is achieved by knowing that there are bigger things than counting out each tit for each tat.

as for modeling my transformations after women i idolize, i don't think of it that way. the girls who i've engaged in this kind of arrangement also idolized the same females i did. More importantly, i never look at my experience in this process as the same. As i have "changed" my submissive, so have they changed me. Each experience is as different as the sum of our two parts.

i assure you she's grateful for your empathy.

oatmeal girl said...

yum. corsets. i drool everywhere at the thought of corsets...

as for the issue of equality: in the discussion of equal pay for equal work, it's not a question of the work being exactly the same, task for task. it is a question of equivalence. similarly, the roles assumed in ANY relationship aren't necessarily the same, can't really be exactly the same. but the contributions can be equivalent.

in an ideal world the pleasure and fulfillment experienced by each of the parties would be equivalent as well. at least over time.

maybe that's one reason why, fierce feminist that i am, i don't object to the restrictions the academician places on me. i don't always obey quite as well as he would wish - and enforcement is harder at a distance. but somehow i never question his right to exert his control. submission suits me, his ownership completes me, i am in this relationship BY CHOICE - as is he. we each have what we need and want, and to that extent are very equal indeed.

wordslut said...

Fascinating and thought-provoking post.

I was particularly interested in your electric-outlet metaphor. I have used the same one with my dom, except I view him as the socket. (I must, of course, concede that your metaphor is the anatomically correct one.)

That is to say, when I am in subspace, I am functioning only under his power, I find myself not moving, speaking or even changing expression unless he directs it, and almost catatonic if an exchange is interrupted — as if I had been suddenly unplugged from my power source.

Deity said...

why not drool laced in one yourself? a good custom corset is not an object that is that far out of your reach.

i guess i haven't minded that things are uneven/unequal/unreciprocated at least at quantities i can measure. There are favors/gifts that certainly are not detectable that were we to tally them up, i'm sure would provide yet another illustration of "inequality".

welcome back, baby.

"as if i had been unplugged from your power source"

That's simply a beautiful thing to ponder.