Thursday, August 14, 2008

Save your self

Everybody wants a savior. We all want some divine presence who can snap us up from the madness of others, and the madness of a world we don't really understand. I've wanted salvation myself, for as long as i can remember. I've wanted the invisible hands to come into my life and push me out of the way of the speeding vehicle, or to nudge me forward when my courage has bled through my heels. The longer i await the arrival of this entity to set the sands of my conviction firm, the stronger my hunger becomes for it.

I know that most of what i pursue in my relationship with the female creature is an attempt to act as the great liberator they seek. My audacity to believe i could occupy such a role, to be able to shine a light on a path that leads to their ultimate self-awareness has driven my need to continue my own search. From a very early period, i deified my likeness, both mocking the idea that i might be a god but also hoping to approximate one. I make proclamations, orders with little reflection and a great deal of expectation that they are followed. Who am i to believe that i know the correct manner circumstances should occur? Something inside of me indicates that my actions, my will, my beliefs all have a lead. Everyone has an Alpha. A beginning. A moment greater than themselves. I am constantly seeking that moment, that singularity.

Everybody wants a savior. Everybody wants to believe they are valuable enough to see a hand stretched out at them - even if there is a whip dangling from it.


Dahlia Rose said...

Personally, I want a savior to save me from the madness of myself: to save me from the part of myself that deliberates, vacillates, and chases its own tail with justifications, reasons, and excuses.

I do not think that it is audacity to think that one can fill the role of savior for another human being. If we cannot find salvation in our relationships with each other, then where can we find it? I don't mean salvation as a matter of religion, but as a matter of personal peace, for lack of a better way to put it.

Deity said...

i think it is audacious, but i also don't think anything worthwhile or longstanding has been accomplished without some amount of audacity.

i know perfectly well what you mean by "personal peace". i seek it and occasionally, clumsily find it every day of my life.

goodgirl said...

Deity, Sir

I like to think I am wonderwoman, but truly what i seek is BatMan. Sometimes having someone catch me saves me.



Deity said...

of all the super heroes that i idolize (if one should do such things) is Superman. He is not like us, one of us, yet he desires to much to save us. I really relate to that.