Monday, August 11, 2008

World Whyed Web



One thing i can confess great gratitude for in relation to this web journal of mine (other than the oft-mentioned therapy i derive from sharing my words with an audience) are the numerous individuals it has led me to meet through their comments and private e-mails. In fact, the interaction actually incents me to remain online, otherwise, long ago, i'd have taken my surliness offline and relegated it back to my paper journals.

My exploration of my sexuality has had a large digital component. Without the readily available portal to the Internet i've been blessed with having, i'm not certain where i'd be with my sexual development. Laying along side my search for information in my nascent discovery of all things kink, i interlaced an interaction with like-minded folks who also were online.

I scoured many sites, but Yahoo! reigned far supreme with its groups, its chatrooms and member directories, which allowed me to encounter a multitude of digital feminine avatars. Whenever i initiated a dialogue with some cyber lass, i always inquired how long she'd known she was submissive. I longed to hear the first instance she learned her kinky proclivities. I wanted to be brought back to the moment she realized a social taboo - being pinned down, being told what to do, a particular scene in a movie - held her in a way nothing else had. Without fail, i drove all conversations in this direction. I would probe them, peer into the shadows that lay between the folds of their personality, searching all for one simple thing.

The why.

I wanted to know why they identified themselves as submissive in order to help me identify why i identified myself as dominant. For the longest time i didn't know why (and i needed to know the why) i assumed the dominant role so immediately and instinctively, and without that knowledge, i found myself suffering out of anxiety and guilt for not coming to peace with my internal demons.

Eventually, i would find other sites (Bondage.com, Alt.com to name a few) that would provide opportunities to meet in person interested submissive girls in a much more direct and quicker fashion than real life afforded. I had a great deal of success through those sites, and i met some amazing females who helped me grow and develop even further - all more evidence for how much i owe the Information Superhighway for much of who i am today.

And here i sit, typing into yet another electronic hook. But, i see my presence here as much as for me as for those with whom it has graced my life. I currently house a profile on a site known as FetLife, which is a fantastic, kink-positive social network community. Like transformher.blogspot, I'm not there to find a play partner but to offer my experience should anyone find what i have to say worthwhile, in hopes i make my own understanding even whyder.

3 comments:

wanderingblueeyes said...

Deity~

How wonderful to know that I am not the only one with the need to know the why, why, why of things! I'm sure that's why I am an avid student of psychology..I want to know why a person is who they are, why they do what they do, to the point that sometimes I do not see what's right in front of me because I am too engrossed in digging underneath, trying to find a peephole inside their heads. However, unless the person is a very special one, I HATE being the one who is being figured out. Even then it is the most uncomfortable feeling for me...go figure that out..lol.

~blueeyes

Charli said...

What a wonderful way with words you have!

It is important for all of us out there on the periphery of social norm to question ourselves; if we are not questioning the whys, and are indulging in either Dominating or sub-missing, we are likely suffering from psychological trauma of some kind and I definitely do not want to be in the hands of a supposed D man who is struggling with psychological problems.

What we desire is not acceptable to a very wide range of people; when I started, in my teens, to fantasize about being forced, raped, tortured......I was horrified! Here I was a sweet, innocent, little kid having all these awful thoughts! It was because I was so horrified that I forced this side of myself into hiding for many, many years.....30, to be exact, until one day I happened to read a Dominant man's thoughts on the internet and WAM!......there I was, back to my horrible thoughts again, but this time, I knew that I was not alone and, ofcourse, over this past year, I have come to discover how very un-alone I actually am.......what a lovely miracle!

Better late than never, I guess.

Deity said...

blueeyes,
so you want to know the whys of someone else, but rarely thrill at letting someone know your own? i think there's a great deal of psychology in that, for sure.

charli,
30 years? sweet lord! thank goodness for this dominant man, and thank goodness for you taking the risky step of allowing the "you" to come alive.