Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Mydentity

There are days that i want to plop a picture of myself, or my girl, onto the celluloid of this site, declaring once and for all a face to match the name, the words. For those of you who have paid attention, the only declarative image of either of us are those found in a few posts or the ocular avatar staring at you, the reader. All of these are meant to be obscure, indefinite and unadherent.

I've had a public persona, dabbling for awhile in the SM scene under this very same handle i ply here, but that's not quite the same. Few people "stumbled" upon the bondage clubs where i might give a demonstration of which of my submissive's buttocks were more tolerant than the other, whereas there are many who happen upon this site completely unintentionally. With that brings a greater risk of my professional life intersecting with my personal, and as i dabble in games of ill repute and social taboos, it is too much of a liability. I still remember the day when, while scanning the lineup of visitors to Lustful Quality via my site statistics, i came across a visitor who had the same IP address that was assigned to my office's network. I panicked. Had someone discovered my identity, these archives, was blackmail to ensue? Luckily, nothing came about it, and it turned out to be a glitch in the software, but it made me think.

It made me think how angry i am that despite my comfort and openness about this side of my life, i still feel the need to conceal it and hide it away from 98% of the people in my life. It made me confront the overall ignorance of society (i distinguish this from "people", because clearly, individuals have an inclination to SM-related material due to how often i find a new web journal popping up of someone exploring this avenue in their lives), and perhaps accept that there will never come a day where my professional life can happily fall in the comfortable shadow of this passion, this desire, this need.

I pursue SM and my fetishes out of a driving impulse to discover more about myself, which in turn is my way of not rejecting my appetites and nuances. I don't do this every few days, once a week, or even when the occasional moment strikes me. I do it every single minute of every single day. And sometimes it gets very old having to hide this albatross.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

You can take comfort in the fact that you have the freedom in your personal life, to be who you really are. I cannot do even that, having discovered my submissiveness for what it is, after I was married with children. So my experiences are hidden and I long for the freedom to be the erotic person I truly am. I imagine many of us share that feeling of being silent but wanting to scream at the top of lungs in frustration. I've read your posts, like your Friday rituals, and wished I could live it for real. Not easy to live behind a mask.

Sweetness

goodgirl said...

Deity, Sir
maybe that is why all the super hero's wear a mask.

This world, this entity that resides in us is just far too big, far too powerful for the "average" person to accept.

always

~a

Anonymous said...

It's very hard to have to hide a fundamental part of yourself, but fear of censure and rejection have kept me from expressing myself fully.

I have not always been treated well or fairly by those who have discovered this side of me, their lack of understanding and prejudice have been hard to take. I would rather keep it to myself (and those I know I can trust) rather than be so open and exposed to the world.

karina

oatmeal girl said...

the issue of secrecy is a painful one for me - a pain that is neither arousing nor stimulating. i have a small group of very close friends from whom i have to hide this facet of my identity, along with anything that is connected with it.

it's none of their business what i do as part of my sex life, but the character of my relationship with the philosopher is deeper than that, as is the loss of his control over me. i am also prevented from sharing my writing with them (not to mention my mother), and i am proud of my writing and of the dramatic dissolution of my decades-long writer's block.

i don't think my friends would condemn me. but they would worry about my safety and my sanity, which is sometimes harder to bear.

at least i think they would... who knows which of them are engaged in the same activities themselves...?

doll said...

It does require absolute discipline to control this urge for self-disclosure. When I have an urge to shout my status from the rooftops I have a silver collar I wear and it quietens the impulse.

Deity said...

sweetness,
it wasn't always that case. if it weren't for my own insistence, i could have been stuck in a relationship that trapped this part of me.

goodgirl,
that makes me feel blessed that i may approximate a superhero, but also makes me sad for the "average" person.

karina,
i'm so happy this post received such excellent feedback. the censure and rejection, while difficult to endure, may in fact serve as a compass for where you should guide yourself.

shouldn't we all want to express our true selves at all times, regardless of the costs? what is the artifice that we demonstrate to those when we conceal ourselves to them?

o.g.,
yes, there are many times that someone will ask me how my writing is going, and i won't be able to point them here. not because i fear their retribution, but because it's not fair to toss them into this pit unaware.

my friends would most certainly worry for the safety and sanity of my girl.

doll,
what will you do when that silver collar isn't enough?

moonheart said...

Oh yes i understand you completely. Sometimes i wonder if i'm not too open on my blog. Ofcourse my parner (who hasn't anything with SM) knows this site of me, and my two sisters. One sister is very curious about it and seems to understand, my other sister doesn't want to know, which i respect ofcourse. A very close friend of mine discovered accidentely this side of me and asked me about it. I did tell her little things about it but not too much and not too detailed. She seemed to accept this, no big deal. From that day on i've never spoken to her again, she didn't want to be friends any longer she wrote to me, 'cause i was this sick girl that let a 'strange' man abuse her. I was very sad and shocked but respected her wish and didn't contact her.
Sometimes i feel sad and lonely because i can't share my wonderful, intense experiences with the ones i'm close to and love. I'm happy to have my blog that takes a little bit the loneliness away.