Friday, August 8, 2008

By any other name

What's in a name? Vowels? Consonants? Heritage? Symbolism?

I personally never felt like the name i'd been given ever suited me. I never organically attached to it. When i look in the mirror i don't think i look like a forbearer of the prenomenclature my parents selected for me. Frequently, there will be moments when a companion is staring straight at me, speaking to me, referring to me by my name, and i don't feel like they are directing their words at me - must be someone else they are talking to.

This syndrome has carried itself so far that i have (like the true dominant character i am) adopted a new name (no, not Deity), that i introduce myself to people as (including my girl), sign any correspondence with, and even have on all my official documentation. For this very reason, i recognize the power names can have. As i examined the other day my own reasons for handpicking a different handle than the one my folks felt suited me, i realized a great deal of it came down to sex and my own sexual identity. I associate control with my sexuality. Superficially, i could not survive under a label that i myself did not choose. In fact, every single one of my acquaintances has a nickname i've given them (whether i've told them this or not - it is true), so not only have i taken to choose my own holla, i've chosen the one's for those i know too (i know...).

More importantly, our sexual identities develop independent of our pre-selected names. In fact, our sexualities represent prime real estate that we're able to actually take a first crack at shaping. As i pushed further into my mind to clarify this association between names and sex, i saw that my desires - to dominate a girl; to torture her; to enforce a strict dress and disciplinary code on her - had absolutely, 100% nothing to do with what i was called. During scenes, i made girls refer to me as "Sir" or "Mr. *blank*". Never, not once were they allowed to use my first name.

I know for a fact that when every sensor on my body has been aroused and highly sensitized, i am the furthest point away from feeling an association to my name. I'm not slapping her flesh, sadistically giggling, pushing her limits, fucking my body into her core - someone else is. The me that calls up the bank teller to check my account balance (more name verification), is not the same "me" that has abandoned all custom, all manner and in various ways is patently slamming into the consenting female before me. That me goes by a different title (perhaps Deity - i honestly don't know), but i know that when i'm at that level (depending on your perspective, that high or that low), i have absolutely zero cognizance of the world within i'm typically arranged.

I'm not sure, however, if that reduces the power names have on us, or in fact does the opposite - by avoiding them, i'm acknowledging how powerful names are.

Names are never solitary; never signify just one aspect of a person. Hitchhikers ride off the tail syllables and hide in the accents and nuances of each inflection. Names come with stories. Most come with pasts. ALL of them come with vibrations.

Resonating in every object in the universe, vibrations compile all that we are. A person will grow, they will change. Their features will shift and fluctuate but the signature of the frequency in their name remains the same, marked with the directions for anyone with the right skills to uncover your true identity.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Deity

You have given this a lot of thought, haven't you! I'm not entirely sure I understand all of this, but I never thought my name suited me either. I find it depends on *how* someone says my name that makes a difference to how I feel about it.

And when my guy is thoroughly enjoying sadistic pleasures, I'm 'girl' and he's 'Sir.' We might slip into this even momentarily during the day, and then slip right back to using our names. But when he is really being a pain and all he is looking for is for me to agree with him, then it is simply, "Yes Dear".

doll said...

I fought to be called by my name rather than the diminutive that all my family used. I love it and feel it encompasses the whole essence of the woman I am. When now I use a different form of address it tells me that some part of me is being hidden or that one part of me is taking precedence.

raine said...

i have never liked my given name, or my middle name for that matter.

On the other hand, i have loved every nick name ever given me except the one given to me within minutes of my birth.

Strangely or perhaps not strangely, the nicknames I love always made me feel liked, cared for, and safe.

Odd?

goodgirl said...

Deity, Sir
When I was little I went by a nickname similar to my birth name. At the time my nickname was one no one had heard of before and many people often told me they thought my name was pretty. As I grew I desired my given name and I have thrived on it, appreciated it, lived up to and felt a deep connection to that name, until recently. Names hold great worth, if they did not society would not put such time into giving a child the "perfect" name.

I have often felt that I represented my name with dignity and femininity. As time has passed though I have come to realise my name held me hostage, binding me to how I thought I should act rather than how I wanted to be.

There is a well known child's rhyme that my mum altered because she believed words are that powerful: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will break my heart".

Names are powerful.

~a

Deity said...

anon,
i give everything way too much thought, but on this issue, i have spent many hours in contemplation over names and any associated to me.

doll,
"diminutive" *sigh*...that's the word i was looking for when i wrote this. of COURSE you would know it and wield it.

raine,
wanna hear something funny? i've always sought a nickname, one that would stick, but none ever have. thus my reason for picking a new name for me to go by. dammit.

goodgirl,
the name itself held you hostage? did discovering this bondage release you from its hold, or did something else spring you?