Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Pacificity




Where does this passion come from?

Who can i thank for my unending lust?

Who can i curse for my obsession?

Who lights this spark in me, igniting a fire that searches out fuel that can only come from the struggle of a female?

What am i seeking?

Am i running with mighty haste from, or to something?

I've often spoke of darkness, and i hear others refer to darkness inside them when they approach or marvel in their kink, but what really grows out of me as i touch the different manifolds of my sexuality is light. She is the filament, i am the current flowing through her, from which we illuminate dark, uncovered corners. She is the stone, i am the flint that strikes against her surface, shooting sparkling embers into the air, igniting the match head to produce a seedling flame.

However, I do not believe this is just sexuality or even the pure act of procreation. I struggle to define what exactly operates inside my own psyche, but i know i seek more than just a receptacle for my seed. I always have. As a young boy who lurched clumsily along my pocked field of puberty, the fantasies that brought me to my quick climaxes never consisted of me "getting with the girl". They always (and still do) consisted of me "possessing" her. In fact, when we consider biology, any chalice would serve science's purposes. I could find a random female, and as long as i have ejaculated enough semen into her that finds purchase in her womb, my genitals have suceeded galantly.

No, this is much more than simply extroverted petri dishes. How strange it must sound to the outside observer, to my friends who have no idea why i keep a lock and key on a particular door in my residence, that i find peace in such barbarism. I live in a place where "liberal" is a redundancy when assigned to someone's political views, and so i exist in a world where the protocol i enforce in my house would be labeled (has been labeled unknowingly) as sexist, Third World, fundamentalist and archaic. I can imagine the full volume debates with these people who have eaten off of my china, dined in my parlor, commemorated great events and notable celebrations for me, when they hear my supposition that i torment, bind, batter and chastise my girl in order to find peace.

Pacificity. How absurd and contradictory. One cannot live by the hard line order of their lover's regular corporal punishment and also assert that they derive peace from this, can they? One cannot enforce a stringent dress code that abides by social and cultural gender stereotypes, and claim that doing so delivers them to a near Nirvana state, can they? One cannot feel a drive to strip their loved one of their human identity, relegating them to the status of an immobile object, all the while experiencing a picturesque sampling of inner sanctum - or can they? I will not lay metaphysical claim that what i seek, constantly allowing a divining rod to guide me to a source, is the same transcendental mastery those ascetics burrowed deep into monasteries pursue. But i know the purpose for my incendiary is more than just sexual apex.

To go back to my very first post, i wonder what part of the Big Bang's matter seared itself to my cellular structure. To who am i dependent upon for my life and the manner in which i carry it out? I ask rhetorically for an explanation of my inner chemistry, half dangling my toe into the bathtub of knowledge to test its scalding temperature, while also looking to skip the cleanse altogether, concluding it is better not to know.

8 comments:

Séverine said...

The best thing about your blog is your intensity and your excellent writing. I keep loving it.

jayne said...

It is a strange chemistry. When Master takes me to my physical limit my whole body is suffused with the most amazing blue/green light. I become luminous. Why should this wonderful experience only occur due to my complete submission?

Deity said...

severine,
wow. such a nice comment. thank you. i keep loving this kind of feedback.

jayne,
luminous. that is an excellent word. i can't offer why it happens only while you completely submit, i can only marvel that you get to experience it.

oatmeal girl said...

" She is the stone, i am the flint that strikes against her surface [...]" this is such a perfect image, invoking both creativity and pain, the heat of the blow and of desire, the explosion that takes both parties beyond the violence of assault and into a peace that is more than mere orgasmic release.

i do wonder why it is when i feel most submissive, most owned, yearning for a chance to show my obedience, that i do feel most at peace. perhaps it's that my world, my place, is most defined at those times. i know who i am - nothing but his property - and what i need to do - nothing but obey. the tasks are clear, the punishments ready, the power absolute, even at a distance. and the peace... in the end, there is no struggle, just acceptance and joy and perfect peace.

gone said...

Perhaps it's not dissimilar to a religious euphoria of sorts. And I don't think it's the exclusive provenance of those who seek your desires, Deity, nor mine. Rather, I believe it is the achievement of reaching the apex of our mind and body's wants, whatever they may be.

Consider a pair of lovers in a perfectly connected sexual, emotional and spiritual relationship. That relationship can be as 'vanilla' or as kinky as they choose, but doesn't everyone ultimately seek the 'big bang' via their perfect, combined chemistry with another?

Besides, there is no degradation or darkness in two people seeking the same thing. What lies on the surface is not what lies beneath.

Everyone who reaches that state of nirvana (by whatever means pull at their own innards) has, I believe, that same awareness of light illuminating their dark corners. It's not about being 'dark people' but having unexplored recesses, whatever they may be. For one individual it may be illuminated by a kiss; for another, the painful invasion of a plug. And sometimes, both.

You said something in a post recently, mentioning the quest and attainment of rapture, both yours and your girl's, and that you do find that in those perfect moments.

Rapture. I just can't think of anything that illuminates more dark corners than that.

And so it makes sense to me that inner peace should follow that as naturally as one breath follows another.

Deity said...

o.g.,
i really struggled with a response to this comment, because i believe it deserves more than just a simple "thumbs up" accordance.

I can't say for certain why this mechanism is how you feel the most peace. i believe it to be a very valuable question, one i intend to keep on my forethought.

gone,
what i'm struggling with most is the way to connect to the idea of two perfectly connected lovers without the notion of power exchange. certainly that is what defines their connection, no?

perhaps we choose to define that exchange as going in one direction, while others share taking the lead. For me to really believe lovers, be they vanilla or not, who are so connected they can find nirvana through this union, i can't foresee how an energy, a flow or a power isn't their currency.

goodgirl said...

Deity, Sir
Out of all your entries this one continues to beckon me. I often find myself here, to this exact space, reading, reflecting.

Thank you.

~alexandria

Anonymous said...

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