Thursday, August 23, 2007

Letting go


A great deal of my experience in exploring my sexuality has come from straddling a very thin line between the acceptable and the outrageous. Consider my kink a simple rowboat floating on open waters. I started out rowing in shallow pools encountering sights and sensations that got me so much more excited than those i saw walking as a pedestrian on land. Eventually, i rowed out away from the shore, where the sea floor began to descend beneath me, and the crystal clear surf gave way to dark, murky ocean. Yet, i stayed afloat. The further i moved away from the land, the deeper the sea grew, and yet, i found my appetites for the freakish, haunting and unknown shadows growing, keeping my head just above the surface. At some point, i may make landfall again, but for now, my home is the mighty sea.

One way of analyzing this character evolution could have someone say that i sought one shocking and challenging experience after another, that it was an addiction to the next, increasingly stronger hit. I won't dismiss this view, but what i have come to understand is the deeper, more meaningful operant. Each successive level of deviousness allowed me to release my hold on the world; essentially, to let go.

It is an interesting concept to ponder for a dominant to pursue the relinquishing of control, but i cannot express it any other way. As the extremity of my play increased, as i whipped her harder, bound her tits longer, immobilized and dehumanized her more and more, i found tranquility from the demons of the secular world that pound upon my hull. More surprising, however, is what i have learned about my motivation; that what drives this passion to push more and more is to seek, accomplish and witness the same sensation of my own submissive letting go.

As i was thinking about this recently, the most vivid example of it came to me from one of my favorite videos in my (overly) vast collection. The folks over at Torture Galaxy (talk about living upto a name) crafted this specific thrill ride involving some rather serious tit torture. I'm not an avid fan of tit torture. If i could eat only one cuisine, it would most likely be stringent bondage (with a little dehumanization/objectification tossed in). But there are certainly scenes that involve a girl and her delicious tits getting the full brunt of her dominant's sadism that hit the spot. This was one of them. And OH what a spot it hit.

The setup:
A shop, like one that a carpenter or a metalworker might have. Tools, both for torture and fabrication purposes, hang on the walls. The girl is seated in a chair that has a metal frame on her side and over her head. Her legs are duct-taped to the vinyl seat. Her arms are taped to armrests that sit about waist level. Her back is firmly resting on the rear of the chair. She is topless, and wearing only a garter belt and stockings on her bottom.

The first act:
In walks the dominant. He positions in front of her two blue vice grips that have had, in their flat plates, pins driven through them. They look like rectangular venus fly traps with endless rows of fangs on both their bottom and upper jaws. He places each tit in a separate vice, and squeezes the trigger, ratcheting down on the meat of her tit. She lets out a gloriously hungry moan as she feels the pins impressing on her flesh. He applies a Hitachi wand to her cunt, taping it in place, and she immediately reacts. Her eyes roll in the back of her head. A few minutes of this, he cuts her hands free, which quickly move to the same triggers he'd earlier squeezed, and she proceeds to slowly vice her tits, tighter and tighter, hungry for the pain in her chest and the fulfillment in her loins.

The second act:
He removes the vices. You see symmetrical rows of pink polka dots sprinkling along the surface of her skin. He moves quickly. He grabs a 10-inch long metal skewer, and impales her right tit, just on the inside of the bulb of flesh, piercing from underneath, through the tit, and out up through the top. He continues to move quickly. He mirrors this on the inside of the left tit. He then adds two more skewers on the outside of each mound. She shrieks, a tiny gasp, every time the sharp point punctures her flesh. Continuing to move quickly, he takes thick rubber bands and runs one from the top of each inner skewer, across her chest, to the corresponding skewer on the other side. He repeats this on the bottom. This stretches out her tits, pulling them inward toward the center. Next, he takes S-shaped, double-headed fasteners, anchors these off of the outside skewers, attaches rubber bands to these, and then pulls the thick elastic out to posts on the metal frame situated on either side of her.

For a final touch, he uses three 1/2 inch play piercing needles, and threads these under the surface of each of her nipples. At this point, you can see her starting to leave her body. Her eyes are glazed. She's not even reacting to the needles pushing through. Her mouth is hanging partially open, and goosebumps are raised all over her flesh. He feeds clear fishing line in and out of each needle, fastening these to a block hanging above her head. He ratchets this until her tit lifts up from her chest. He reapplies the Hitachi, and then hands her a manual staple gun.

The third act:
By this point, from the effect of the Hitachi and her tits being pulled in all directions, the girl has disappeared. She is no longer situated in front of the camera. Her body is there, but her mind is obliterated, floating somewhere near Jupiter. The demon occupying her body cavorts with her hands to move the staple gun to the top of her right tit, and place it against the surface of her skin.

I remember watching this the first time (i've viewed it over 45 times), and shaking my head in complete befuddlement that this girl might actually pull the trigger on the staple gun. This creature no longer occupied any mortal world i knew. Her appetites had turned into two sharp prongs: pain and pleasure. I wanted so badly to watch her wound herself. I wanted to see her desire completely invert how all of the best practices her "upbringing" had instructed her: You do not staple your body.


The first staple impaled her. She yelps. Another.


Yelps again, but they are getting deeper. The demon is growing more present. She draws a line of 10 staples on the top of her tit. She moves to the left. 8 more snaps. 8 more guttoral moans.

The Hitachi continues to violently shake into her cunt. Her dominant, deliciously wicked, ups the ante. He removes the back of the chair she was resting on, so that her body is angled back, and all that is supporting her are the contrivances slung viciously through her tits. She roars in ecstasy. Her body is starting to shudder, and just when i think she has completely departed, her arms reach up, and grab ahold of the elastics stretching from the outside of her tits to the frame. Her head arches back. She's putting as much weight on these anchorings as possible, and then, she begins to yank hard on the rubberbands. She's screeching into the air, as her bound thigh muscles jerk wildly in their place. Liquid is gushing out of her pummeled cunt, until finally the last eruption occurs, and she falls limp.

What deserves immediate mention is that i do not know what stage of training this girl is at. I don't know much about her at all, in fact. I do not know how far she has come from how inexperienced she was, or whether she immediately took to this form of treatment. I know, however, that this is not her first time. That is clearly evident. What is also evident, at least in this video, is the level of care, concern and comfort her dominant offers her following this ordeal. He is soft. He strokes her face, her hair. His hands dictate his gratitude, running gracefully over her flesh, communicating with her by touch. A touch that has stepped down in magnitude from its violent, piercing statements before, and now welcomes her back, slowly, to the land of the living.

He praises her for letting go. This is a gift of endless treasure.


swordfish155 said...

Surrender, surrender, surrender. I think about it a lot, and wonder how to put words around what must be either a visual or corporal sensation. Your description of the video was great.

swordfish155 said...

And can you tell me the name of the dvd, so that when I get into the website I can find it? Thanks.

I found your blog on engrailed's blogroll.

Mac said...

My compliments, Deity.

I have been reading your observations and enjoying your erudition from the beginning. Your depiction of the TG offering is especially rich, but not, I would say, at all uncharacteristic of what you are able to see nor of your abilities in describing it. Call me a fan.

Though I've been reading for a long time, I'm motivated to finally enlist myself in deference to this notion of a top submitting. - something I think very important and largely unacknowledged, even among thoughtful practitioners of BDSM.

How often do we, as people with committed interest in the power exchange dynamic, concentrate our attention on the manifest qualities of the bottom’s (or 'submissive's') expression of letting go? I would suggest we do nearly always and, more importantly, to the point of distraction. While the TG video you cite may be an exception, the vast majority of SM media privileges the bottom's experience - from perhaps something like a top's perspective, but not necessarily and certainly not often. An uncomplicated voyeurism is what seems to sell, and seldom is it observed that there are, in fact, two parties implicate in what we end up seeing. Almost never is it revealed that both are submitting, meaning that they have both given of themselves.

In my estimation (and experience) a top's ability to check-out from the construct of self and into an identity more vaguely differentiated from their partner is the sine qua non of SM. This little (but profound and elusive) psychic maneuver is, I think, easily likened to the function in all mystical traditions of the priest or priestess, the one who stewards an aspirant toward experiences that person’s soul has petitioned. A successful rite (however it is derived) imputes humility, a kind of giving-over and absenting of individuated self, to both steward and stewarded in their common cause. The aspirant has issued the call, and the priest leads by following that call.

Objectively, it will always appear that the bottom is first mover on the submission front, but the internals of scene space are advanced by the vigorous humility of the top, the one who marshals the primal energies in service to the calling of the bottom. In their primacy such energies do not recognize nor honor convenient distinctions between pleasure and pain any more than they do distinctions between selves. Like Kali to Shiva, oblivion is usually the consort of wisdom, and one bows before the former in order to share in the fruits of the latter.

Or, to extend your splendid metaphor, a good top is aware of how deep the waters are getting as he's paddling.

With regard and respect,


Deity said...

Wouldn't you know it? How funny that i can't find the video, now that i've written about it. I can't seem to get into Torture Galaxy's site either. Odd. I'll keep looking for the video.

I'm glad you stopped by.

What you mention is an incredibly important and viable point (perhaps worth a post all its own as you write quite extensively on the matter here).

First of all, thank you for choosing to offer your feedback. I consider yours to be a very intuited and specific treat.

We do only tend to see what is done to the submissive, and rarely view the effect on the dominant, which i agree, is a shame. I believe you may have hit on part of the reason for that when you mention "SM media", because they seek a product that sells, and to their views (as perhaps not people with committed interest in the power exchange dynamic, but rather the monetary exchange), you need to keep the camera pointed at the girl.

littlegirl said...


this post was beautifully written, and i particularly enjoyed your metaphoric use of water and your graphic-descriptive dexterity. however, i found myself a bit stunned at the end of it, overwhelmed and unable to conjure literate thoughts. the images you describe are so visceral (and having breasts, they gives me a particular physical anxiety). the end result is that i've not been able to untie my tongue about this piece.

forgive me, then for jumping into the comment fray. it is a shame that the "SM media" leaves the Dom out - for me, the Dom is the most exciting part. when i look at photos, or watch movies, the girls become portals - the more i look, the more i place myself in her spot, her reactions become less important as i imagine my own. being able to see, hear and experience the Dom is a crucial (and often lacking) element for my fantasy to take flight.

perhaps that "projection" experience is why the submissive remains the focus: if the assumption (imported from mainstream adult industries) is that men (and more Doms) are better customers than women (and subs), the media people want to give their most numerous customers the perspective they want.

a very thought provoking piece! the images (as you described them) will be with me for a long time.

site fan said...

I just came across your post -- great description of this movie. It's out, in segments, on Shocking Tube, but it's cut into eight pieces and the self-stapling scene is edited out.

Did you ever download it? I would love to see it.

There is something haunting about it -- to the point where I did searches on "staple gun" and "tit torture" and found your blog!

Kiky said...

THIS description senbds shivers down my spine. thanks