Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Public identification

For many years, before this frightful beast called the internet, and once i'd grown tired of the boredom i found in vanilla-type dynamics, i embarked on a frequent search for an SM-consenting female. How, you might ask? Through a gay friend of mine, i'd learned about this thing called the handkerchief or hankey/hanky code. He introduced it to me when in response to him coming out to me about his homosexuality, i came out to him. That is, i told him that i like to spank and tie up girls and tell them how to behave. He was shocked (as are most folks who know me and i inform them of this or meet me for the first time once they've learned of my kink; i just have that sweet and angelic of a face), but not appalled. In fact, rather excited about assisting me in finding some girl i could torment.

I went and purchased a grey handkerchief and began putting it in my back left pocket. I felt silly at first because it clashed with my look. Over time the silliness turned into straight up awkwardness as i found myself on the receiving end of numerous propositions from gay male bottoms. In fact, it didn't yield me a single willing female.

I've often tried to grapple with the establishment of a system of public identification that would streamline the introduction of individuals on opposite sides of the power exchange. I have tired as much at avoiding the drole, "normal" dating world as i have with needing to use the same, few tired portals out there that exist to facilitate finding submissive girls. But, i also sometimes want to be able to publicly let others know about my sexuality, to let others know more about me. There are those days when i want a "Power Exchange" Pride parade. Or even just times when i'm walking with my girl, and someone would see us and could tell that she's submissive and i'm dominant.

Why i pursue this is not always about sex and fucking. Just like being gay isn't just about making out with the same sex. For me, i do not choose how i react to the opposite sex. It is an innate and completely fundamental response. I've tried many times to silence or ignore it, and i can't.

I'm not sure if it's just for sentimental reasons, or because i still secretly hope to see if it would've ever worked, but i still carry my grey handkerchief in my left pocket. I pull it out every once in awhile to wipe sweat off my brow, or to grab a door handle, and then look around to see if anyone's noticed.


His pet said...

i love this post (as i love all your posts). i have the same problem with my face. i have that all american, good girl next door look and nobody would ever imagine the dark desires that hide behind that deceptive exterior. i never, ever would have guessed you had that an innocent look about you. i pictured you quite differently. Now i suppose i'll be eye balling the asses of innocent looking males in hopes of finding a gray hanky.

Anonymous said...

A question. Do you still pursue women now or are you in a monogamous SM relationship? Many of my male dom friends take girls home so they can watch their girl play with someone new. It's not about their perticipation, it's about giving their girl enjoyment.

katie said...

the advantage of the innocent look though, is that you can reveal the most outlandish things, and every one thinks you are joking. I have huge fun with that.

this girl said...

Great post :) I dont think the hanky code ever got as popular here in the UK.

I wear an 'eternity collar' and sometimes I wonder if anyone will notice it and speak to me but so far only one person (outwith a munch or club setting) has commented on it, which was on a supermarket checkout - they said 'nice choker'. I suppose i'm disappointed that its not drawn attention to my status, but then again sometimes that can be a good thing too.

A friend of mine wears a story of o ring and a couple of people have commented on that, and someone else i know has the trisilisk tatoo on their wrist and that has had comments as well. I think maybe it just depends how obvious and in your face you want to be about your kinks.

I want i think to be obvious about them to people that are likeminded but NOt to the whole world, well at least...not yet. lol.

jayne said...


I give thanks to the power above for the internet. Without it i would never have entered Master's orbit and my life would be a pale grey existence.

The movie Cruisin first exposed my eyes to what was possible. But i was so naive i had no idea straight couples could do the same things. Simply didn't know bondage and discipline magazines could be bought or that there were societies of like minded people.

Yesterday i sat at lunch watching all the women pass, trying to see if i could tell a submissive from the crowds. Maybe one or two wore clothes that i associate with submission but it was impossible.

Deity said...

i have since migrated the handkerchief to the front pocket because i no longer use it as a lure. In fact, i have kept the contents of all my pockets and their order exactly the same since i moved it to the front.

i have not had any desire to bring home another submissive for my girl to view, but i have dabbled in the idea of getting her a submissive maid.

i agree, outlandish is good, but sometimes the treatment my innocent look receives gets a little old.

this girl,
how long have you been wearing your eternity collar? i saw on your site the post about how you feel when you take it off. it was so interesting to hear that you feel like it's part of you now. that sort of assimilation stimulates me.

you should've approached those you thought might've been submissive and asked them if they were.

Farmwife said...

I too always try to guess who might be sharing my kink from among the passersby. I have no idea if people would guess that I am kinky or not if they were kinky themselves although I know that men think of sex when looking at me and there's something open and procative about me, but I don't know if I'd come across as a sub at all. In fact, people who know me and J and our normal dynamics, if they found say a crop, would immediately assume that I am the dominatrix. Anyway, I too wish there was some sort of a code, not like I would use it, but still.