Tuesday, December 9, 2008


- Recently, my computer of 8 years kicked the bucket. I've amassed and compiled a relatively impressive and valuable amount of porn (read: obscure, sadistic kink). In order to try to recover this store, i was given the advice to purchase a "thumb drive" and manually move all necessary files onto this in order to access it from the new (as of yet purchased) computer. There is something very strange, off-putting and yet humbling holding this tiny little plastic contraption that contains 4 GigaBytes of my catalogued, compartmentalized and still sexuality-impacting life. This is what my thousands of hours culling and searching amounts to? Something the size of a stick of gum? Not sure if i should be comforted or appropriately disturbed.

- I am the lucky victim of a mystery stress fracture in my heel. One day i'm running my usual 4 miles (and later that evening taking care of some other business), the next day i can't walk home from the train station. No trauma, no blunt violence to my limbs. I have been driving this body of mine hard, and perhaps the age of it has caught up with the use. For now and the next handful of weeks, i walk wearing a plastic-reinforced, velcro-strapped boot and a wooden cane (that i picked up at a local antique store for $5). It has led me to think about my vulnerability. I'm not as mobile as i would like to be or am used to being. I must rely on the kindness of others, both strange and known. And i must re-evaluate my own impenetrability, which i frequently fancy as near super-human. Not being able to support my own body weight has had an impact on how i can properly correct my girl or address anything kink-related. It makes the hand-written phrase on the single notecard i have hanging on my wall - that i stare at every single time i sit at my desk in my bureau, like now - all the more relevant:

"what is weakness?"

What is weakness? Indeed. What does it mean to be weak? What are the fall outs from those situations where weakness is avoided at all costs? Do we know whether we profit or suffer when we are weak?

I ask these questions of myself everyday, and now, as i hobble around the city that i live in, i wonder if weakness is found in my hobbling or in my inability to accept that it is my current lot.

- Christmas approaches, and instead of doing our customary "naughty Xmas" gift exchange, my girl and i are trying to put something aside for these tough economic times ahead. It's very difficult to justify putting money towards more material and admittedly unnecessary items when what faces all of us is uncertain and unknown. I can't help but feel like a brat to be miffed we're not upholding this tradition, but there are too many uncertainties that need flexibility and patience to endure.


Mac K. said...

Sorry to hear your machine and your meat are less than 100% - looks like we'll be keeping our next constitutional short. Good thing there's no shortage of watering holes in your 'hood.

Only 4 gig? Hope it's a short convalescence. ;)


Anonymous said...

I've been in the same type of computer situation, albeit with less porn amassed, and it does suck. As far as your physical being, I'm sure you'll will yourself back to form in no time. And one can but wonder what you might decide to do with that cane...heh heh ;)

Take care,

Dragonfly said...

It is interesting you find your current "restricted" condition, a state of weakness... hmmm.... the shoe or shall I say velcro strapped boot is on the other foot, perhaps?

Weakness has very little to do with physical strength or mobility..

Anonymous said...


My computer of five years died recently and I know the feeling. It was like losing a limb. And now, one of your limbs truly is out of action to add to the woes. My heartfelt sympathies. But, it will pass, and all will be well, and you will be stronger for the experience.

You and Mac K. drink together? Wish I was a fly on the wall...


Deity said...

Sadly, yes, walking even a block is pathetically difficult. ....sigh....

this injury is troubling even me because i have no idea what caused it. that is the biggest issue, for me.

What i mean when i contemplate "weakness" is that i'm finding myself unable to do the things i normally used to, which puts me in a position of weakness, frailty. And i think that most certainly is related to my immobility and physical strength. Hence the reason for the question (since there is no universal definition) to get such prominence on my bureau's wall.

The computer is an annoyance. The injury is incredibly difficult right now to manage as we are in the throes of a wet and blistery winter.

You can quite easily be a virtual fly on this wall.