Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What lies behind door number three?

She'd been complaining earlier that day that her breath was labored. Sometimes, she felt a sudden need to take a very big gulp of air, and when she inhaled, her lungs never felt satisfied. At one point, she stopped in mid-sentence, just to breathe in. Seeing this, i decided to alter the designs i had on the evening, tossing out revisiting the new hood or dipping into our rope supply. Instead, i decided to play a game with my girl.

I'd been out with a friend, going for a 4-mile run, then celebrating our well-winded constitutions with hot wings and a pint. I returned home to a checked-off list of completed chores, finding her seated on our couch, knitting. When i sat next to her, i noticed she'd slid on the thigh-high striped socks i'd purchased for her from American Apparel. This sent a very distinct signal that i happily received.

"What motivated you to wear those?"

"These? Oh, i was cold, and i knew you wouldn't like me wearing pants."

Grrr. Correct answer. She must've known what this was doing to me. She'd gone to the hair salon earlier where she re-dyed her hair a deep, oily black and got it fashionably styled. After such pampering, she always felt frisky. Without much internal discussion, as she purred against my chest, i decided to take the bait.

"Do you like games?"


"Would you like to play a game right now?"

"Yes. I would."

"Sit tight, i'll be right back."

I hopped up from my seat and moved to the rear of the apartment where i gathered the necessary game pieces, strewing them about strategically. Memorizing the location of all implements, i returned to the living room and my patiently purring girl.

"Congratulations! You've advanced to the final round. Come with me."

I grabbed her hand and led her into my study. I extended a finger in the direction of my closet door.

"This is Door #1."

I then pointed at the built-in drawer beneath my semi-closet.

"This is Door #2."

I shuffled us into the hallway and pointed at our closed bathroom door.

"And this is Door #3."

Walking her back to my study, i continued:

"Behind each door, there are three separate* implements with which i will use to swat your behind. Now, which door will you choose!"

She gave it some thought, pausing, letting the moment effervesce into the air.

"Well, for posterity sakes, i think i'll choose...i'll choose door number 3."

Now, before i showed my girl her fate, i knew as i was setting up this stratagem that she would choose "Door #3", so that she had fulfilled my expectations made me incredibly giddy. With great excitement, i anticipated the reaction she would provide once i swung open her chosen portal. I knew imbued with her choice was a sense of victory, but because i'd rigged the game, victory was not hers. Victory was mine.

"Are you ready to see your selection?"


I grasped the brass door knob and twisted it open to reveal the device that would be slashed across her naked flesh. The expected gasp came shortly after.

"Ahhhh! I hate that thing."

I of course knew this. Despite the fact that i'd called it a game, it really was a con, and she was the mark. I grabbed the three meter dowel rod, and moved the game's finale to the bedroom.

*I emphasize "separate". Because my girl reads this site and because i intend on engaging in this game again, i will not divulge the exact weaponry i had laid out. Just know that the deck was stacked heavily in my favor, and that she was certainly not going to 'win' no matter which door she chose. I know...at least i gave her a "choice".


Dragonfly said...

What adorable socks! I may have to hang some by the fire for Santa to fill... or better yet just strut around in them and see if I can inspire Santa to leave some more presents under the tree...

I wonder how you your beautiful girl would choose door number 3...hmmmm...

Eliot said...

Oooooh, I'm looking forward to the next bit.

Cute socks, btw.

Anonymous said...


I am really quite shocked that you could be so devious. Yum.


Anonymous said...

I'm not shocked.. ;)


Deity said...

I do love the socks myself. quite 'girly'.

And nice try, but there is no way i tell you how i knew she'd choose door #3. Those are State secrets.

So much pressure now.

Seriously? You shouldn't be at this point.

same one as above?

Anonymous said...

An Ode to Socks.

Dear Deity,

I am more and more convinced that you had something to do with the sudden proliferation of thigh-high socks to be found this season.
I am not one for overly 'girly', but I have to confess that I'm pretty much addicted... I've found bright red knitted ones, various striped blue ones, green and orange.. and the traditional oxford checkered pattern... They are my new favorite clothing item ever. And now I need those ones too. Blast!


Deity said...

i wasn't aware there was a sudden proliferation of thigh-highs. i sure wish i'd been told, so that i could grab a lawn chair and my binoculars and watch for the parade.

i'm glad that you at least have found them alluring. i know i am quite smitten with my girl's pair.