Friday, November 9, 2007

I'll assume i'm on the naughty list

Hardly long after the last plastic Lil Orphan Annie mask is discarded and the final Necco wafer has been scarfed at the conclusion of Halloween, are we suddenly inundated with the festive vandalism of Christmas green and red decorations stapled all over every disgruntled employee, surface and product. Coinciding this forced change of colors, i begin to receive the first of many requests from friends and relatives wanting me to compose my yuletide wishlist.

I don't care for this task whenever i receive it for two succinct reasons.

The first being that i don't like to accumulate "things". I long ago abandoned my childhood hobbies of collecting stamps, business cards and fossils. A half dozen years or so ago, i relinquished my shelves of most of my CD's, books and DVD's - a near total purge of my vast collection. My bare bones media library now consists of those options i turn to regularly, with views, reads or listens in the dozens or more for each that remain. I'm loathe to fill up a list with titles of movies that i will invariably only watch once or twice just so someone can include me in their holiday shopping.

The second reason i abhor this task is that the objects i would really want to ask for would most likely trigger Mr. Claus' (notoriously sensitive) naughty alarms, which would then result in not only me not getting these gifts, but me also suffering the intense, scornful gaze from family members at the eggnog bowl due to my audacious request. Let me state what might be the obvious: the items on this list would receive exponentially more use than all of the Da Vinci Code copies i've opened with a quickly following grimace ever did.

It's for this reason and because i don't feel i'll receive the same judgmental scrutiny here on my own site that i jot down the following "If-i-could-ask-for-anything-Xmas-list".

Dear Sanity Clause*,
I've been a really decent (and by decent i mean i have actually helped more elderly ladies across the street than those i've pushed down the stairs - i'm kidding!) boy this year, and i hear you reward those of us who are on our best behavior. Please find the following list of items as gentle suggestions to what i'd like to receive as payment for my year-long decency.

At the top of my list:
Ballet boots - I'd like a pair of Mary Janes, Gwendoline knee-high's, Justine thigh-high's - all patent black leather - and one pair of white patent Wanda's. Women's size US 81/2. Most of these can be found here.

Continuing on:
Latex gear - Corsets, hobble skirts, catsuits, mitts, straightjackets, inflatable butterfly gags, mummy bags, and hoods. I'm quite fond of the items at and, but i'm sure i'm not telling you anything you don't already know

Vacuum beds - These are a must-have item to properly store your toys, St. Nick. I leave you the following two illustrations that demonstrate what i mean.

Chick-wrapper - Kind of self explanatory, but i wouldn't want to deprive you of a proper image to stimulate your imagination. I thought the festive green color of the wrap was a nice touch from the folks at, don't you?

Fucking machine - i recently wrote about my passion for these here. Feel free to leave a comment if you're moved to, i love the feedback. Well, here's another photographic example of one of my favorite models, ms. mila from Insex.

This set-up is pretty close to the one i'd like, so there's no need to really go into detail when PD nearly perfected the arrangement.

The rest: (i can make just a quick list of them. I know you're busy, and i don't want to appear greedy)

a St. Andrew's Cross

a suspension frame

female chastity belt

1,000 yards of jute, hemp or cotton rope

a selection of gags, ring, inflatable, dental, etc.

2 pair of Large black leather police gloves

2 pair of Large black leather driving gloves

Oh, and one last thing, for the lass, a corset dress from Vollers.

I know it's a long list, do what you can with it. I'll make sure to leave some milk and cookies out because that's the kind of sport i am.

Happy Noel,

p.s. it's been a long year, i'm sure you're already exhausted, and it's not even December yet. Why don't you pick out something for you and Mrs. Bowl full o'jelly here. Go on, you deserve it.

*my sincerest apologies to the Marx Brothers, who i hold in the highest of esteem


oatmeal girl said...

the dress.

i want the corset dress.


jayne said...

What a wonderful way to spend a weekend - contriving a list of great pleasure items to reward yourself. I trust St Nick will take note and find a lttle treat on your list to send to you.

Deity said...

only if you're a good girl. ian't it just completely divine?

no disrespect to ole Jiggly Cheeks, but, i won't hold my breath.

Sub Nouveau said...

Perhaps you should cc your list to Satan Claws. Just a thought.

There is a coal pile that I pass near my office, I plan on grabbing a bunch of it around xmas time and giving it as presents to those on my shit list.

Deity said...

a "coal pile"? man, that scrounges up so many interesting images in my head as to where you live, the walk you take - just about everything.

don't let them get the best of you.

Vixen said...

Oh I so want/need/lust over that corset dress!

Deity said...

but whatever would you do with one of these dresses? that's what i can't figure out.