Sunday, October 7, 2007

It's in his eyes

At first, it's just a glance. Something my senses are quite attuned to, but still, since it has only met my eyes once, i don't take notice. Then, she'll begin to stare. Smile nervously. And then her stare will turn hungry. She'll want me to stare back. I'll cross the flight path of her gaze with my own eyes, and i'll know instantly that i've caught her. I haven't captured her in a momentary transaction. I mean, i've caught her, trapped her, she's mine.

This visual tractor beam is in fact so common i've come to refer to it in my head as an echo. I stand on the edge of the massive canyon, only to call out my voice in hopes of hearing the familiar return to my ears. It might come across as slightly shocking that i would place on these pages dictation that states how time after time i've entered into a deep connection with multiple females. But, what i believe to be more shocking is that it has happened with females of all ages. Be they 25 years my junior or senior. This is what makes this subject so difficult to write about on this site. I'm not talking about this capture in an explicitly sexual manner, but something similar to catching a beautiful monarch butterfly. I retrieve the creature from my net, pull it gently out and hold it on my fingers, lightly caressing its gossamer elegance, letting it flutter a 4-line poem with its fragile wings.

Perhaps this is why i've always had more female companions in my life. Perhaps this explains why even today my profession, my daily vocation and even my volunteer work finds me in situations where my gender is the minority. And perhaps, herein lies the veracity for the overwhelming number of comments to my words here coming from the fairer sex.

Most frequently, this connection would happen in social situations, usually at a party or gathering. Now, if she was younger than me, she was usually the younger sister of a friend, or the daughter of the host. Her attachment would be made instantaneously. She would not say much to me, keeping herself just off of my periphery where (she most likely didn't know i knew) she would be able to stare at me rather uninterruptedly. Then, she would grow bold, show me, with great pride, a toy of hers - a favorite doll, perhaps - to see if i would be able to speak on her level. I would normally wink at her, raise my eyebrows, make a silly little face. My young friend sometimes pretends to be demure to my sudden return volley of attention, pin her chin to her shoulder, smear her hands over her face, only to offer me her eyes to signify her amusement.

What strikes me most times when i am in this situation, other than the pure innocent joy of this exchange, is what is staring from behind those eyes of hers. I feel like i know them. Like sixty years earlier, they belonged to someone in my past life who meant something very dear to me, and for a moment, i'm enjoying the opportunity of their brief visit.

The strongest episode of this kind happened when i was just graduating from college. My hometown friend had invited me to come down and watch his younger brother play baseball for his highschool team. This junior second baseman had a female friend named Cindy who was to accompany us. When my friend told me of this, before i even met her i felt a strange connection, despite the fact that she was only 15 and i was 23. I rode down with my friend in his car, jumping in the back seat so when we got his brother, they could share the front together. However, being a gentleman, upon arrival, lil bro let Cindy sit in the front.

I'm really not able to explain why it felt like it did when she entered the car, but upon her recline, an incredible peace overwhelmed me. My friend introduced me to her, and the entire time, she didn't look back at me. For twenty minutes, we engaged in conversation amongst the four of us, and not once did she turn back to deliver her words directly. Then, abruptly, she spun around and looked right into my eyes. I still remember this moment: her deep, shiny brown morsels surrounded by the whites of her optics; her graduating cascade of arched eyelashes; the brightness of the entire area between her temples. Suddenly, decades of a life i couldn't recall came to me, in a different locale, region and time period. She'd brought these memories back to me. I could tell she was equally stunned. We interrupted the flow of conversation and spoke the only words that made sense:

"Hi," she said. She'd pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth, nibbling on it.

"Hi there," i responded. We were reacquainting ourselves with eachother. She was looking in my eyes (and couldn't stop) as if it had been too long since she last saw them.

A year would pass, and she and i would no longer be able to hold back, engaging in a passionate romance that due to our age gap would never get the proper oxygen it needed to adequately fuel the flame. But it was enough to really witness the memories and experiences you can share with someone not from this current lifetime.

With regards to females older than me, this phenomenon takes on a rather similar shine - a connection realized from some shared past. Due to our stages in life, the situation tends to allow more flirtation. The most recent episode of this happened over the weekend. I was at my friend's engagement party, whose mom i'd met several times. We shared this connection i mention above, however it took a very subtle and dignified tone.

I was sitting at a table by myself on the outside patio, taking in the beauty of the nighttime air and symphony of nature's song. I heard the sounds of heels come click along the stone of the patio behind me, and then the gentle touch of a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you enjoying yourself?"

I could tell it was her by her voice, but also by her leathery perfume. I smiled, indicating i was doing wonderful.

She walked around the table and stood in front of me with a smile that always calms and excites me. She looked at me for the first time in the evening, and cocked her head slightly to the side.

"Your eyes are so bright. Did you lighten your eyes?"

I smiled again, big, showing all of my teeth. I let her walk away to attend to other guests, waiting until she was just on the verge of being out of earshot, and then i spoke:

"Yes. But, just so i could seduce you."


Anonymous said...

Your explanation of something so enigmatic is like awakening from a dream. I have often wondered why I felt such powerful emotions upon meeting certain people or visiting some place or even viewing an object. I have always attributed such 'experiences' to my heightened sense of awareness of peoples character and love of human history. I guess it all ties in and comes together in the end but your description makes me rethink my own moments in time where it was more than I gave it credit for. I may blog about this.

Thank you D, as always, your words cross any and all boundaries.

Deity said...

i would suggest you halt doubting your instincts or intuition. those are probably your most vital talents.

And, you're welcome.

Anonymous said...

As I have been told many, many times. I have a tendency to discount that which is not logical, concrete and right before my eyes. My inability to see beyond is only one of my many failings.