Monday, July 30, 2007

Playing with my Barbie


I had the worst hobby as a young boy. The kind that no "lettered in Football", Special Forces in Vietnam, self-made rags-to-riches father would ever want his son to have.

I played with dolls.

I not only played with them, i cared for them unlike even the most attentive little girl. Since i could only convince my mom to let me have two Barbies, i took immaculate care of my pair of ductile muses. No one would ever find their doll heads popped off the knobbed neck, nor would a single synthetic strand of hair be lopped to the floor. I altered them to suit some internal aesthetic, but in a beautiful way. I didn't carry out deep-seeded self-hatred upon their artificial corps by grotesquely mutilating them. Rather, i took them out every once in awhile, when i knew i'd have some private moments to myself.

Thinking about how i played with them reveals a deeper vein feeding what became my erotic fuselage later in my life. In private, i didn't put on a pageant or play house with them. They remained dolls. In fact, i don't remember ever giving them voices. In the manner which out of context seems the creepiest, i simply brought them out; dressed them up; looked at them - stared at them; examined them for any flaws, nicks or damage; kissed them on the forehead; then placed them back in their cases.

As i described earlier, i thought i'd grow out of this habit. I was made to feel by those who ever caught windfall of my hobby a certain urgency to move on. Despite the negative connotations of the labels i heard (sissy, girly-boy, homo, etc.), i knew they didn't describe me. I didn't long to be these dolls, nor their real counterparts or their impersonators. Which, honestly, may have been an easier way out of my predicament. It is safe to say that going through life as a homosexual or a transgendered individual has received considerable more support from society than the idea of a man who seeks fulfillment by having a cabinet of living dolls he has modified and keeps locked up.

Dating usually didn't arouse this need in me. I'd go through the usual adolescent ruminations of courting the opposite sex, but i came to see my efforts as blank and disingenuous. I knew i needed some other kind of depth to the exchange besides 'pinning a girl' and just 'going steady'. Once i began to indulge in sexually sado-masochistic games with females, i encountered a tug from within to move the dynamic in a specific direction: the role of dollmaker. To what extent i fulfilled this role varied in intensity, depending on the kind of energy that existed. The few occasions where this intensity took on an extreme magnitude scared (and continues to scare) even me.

I played with many girls, both online and in person, dabbling with this scenario of turning them into my living doll. We would go through my well-documented dress code process, stripping them of their originality as expressed through their personal wardrobe. If the energy flowed well between us, i would then insist on taking control of her body by slowly modifying it through corset, heel, and anal training as well as other physical modifications. Again, i'm moving the girl towards my desired starting point, using her body and mind as sculpting materials for my lustful manipulation. I'm also trapping her independence and her personality deep inside - not diminishing them, but capturing them - i do not want "her" to disappear. I want her to remain, but as a prisoner, relishing the liberty of her capture or cursing her desire's strength to overwhelm her.

The next step has only manifested itself with a handful of girls, but it is where i've seen my darkest appetites emerge, and therefore i do not often let it get aroused. It involves vocabulary. I provide the girl, who is firmly in my clutches, with a limited list of approved words she is allowed to use when referring to herself and her surroundings. I coach her in these words, quizzing her, drilling her, making her repeat them. If she uses a word not on her list, she receives correction. I am lenient in the beginning, because altering one's vocabulary is an incredibly difficult proposition. Once i'm clear that she understands the constraints of her new vocabulary, i am stern and pick up on every single minute mistake.

And then, i go further.

I restrict her language even more. I outlaw certain verbs, certain phrasings, even tenses. At this point, my mouth drips with saliva, the promise of a mineral-rich meal brings me to a frenzy. I perform the final transformation: I strip her of her ability to speak in the first person. She speaks the language of an object, one that has no possessions. Her thoughts are not hers. She has become a "doll". Her voice is merely articulating actions the doll undertakes at my bidding. I'll converse with the newly created object. I'll ask it if she likes being a doll.

"barbie likes"

At this stage, 'barbie' exists as an open mind, a vessel prepared for and desirous of direction, of my commands. I instruct Barbie what kind of toy she is, what her purpose is, her functions. The doll accepts these, taking her owner's desires and making them hers. Barbie, rather the girl trapped inside the shell of the doll, exudes arousal at the thought of submitting not just to me but the echoing urges of a mindless plaything.

My Barbie now thrives on the desires i gave her. The desires i created her with.

18 comments:

Ani said...

"I want her to remain, but as a prisoner, relishing the liberty of her capture or cursing her desire's strength to overwhelm her."

Wow. I am absolutely speechless. Welcome back.

(Oddly enough, I recently posted something on capture that echoes just that feeling. In a slightly different style, of course.)

Anonymous said...

I remember the day when I use to play with dolls. I had numerous Barbie's and two Kens. Needless to say, I didn't enjoy the girl dolls. In fact, I'd abuse them, burn off their hair or I would refuse to play with them at all. In my time being spent playing with these dolls, I just pampered my Ken dolls, one in particular. I guess I wanted to be the only girl in his life? (But, of course I allowed him to perform rather rough intimate scenes with the other beaten up girls.)

I interpret you playing with dolls as mere practice. Just as a girl would practice braiding hair on a doll before moving onto her girlfriends, you practiced loving, caring and treating a girl as you saw/see fit.

I'm wondering how long it takes for a girl to forget herself after her personality and character has been "captured" for a long period of time. I imagine that act becomes pretty routine? Also, how long would it take for you to grow tired of a beautiful, perfect, and mindless being?

[Of course, I'm keeping in mind all of the hot and erotic details of this post while asking these questions.]

-Wren

engrailed said...

I'm not even into that, personally, but when you put it that way .... dare I say, 'barbie likes'?!

littlegirl said...

i'm a little conflicted. i feel like this post should offend my deepest feminist sensibilities. i feel like i should be outraged at your creation of mindless object-doll women. but i can't deny that this post holds a deep erotic appeal to me; even as it makes the hair raise on the back of my neck, it also makes me squirm with desire. i'm not sure i understand my response yet.

i will add that all i ever did with my Barbies was make them have sex. lots and lots and lots of sex, with my one Ken, and with eachother. so, if what we did with our Barbies was act out our (subconscious) adult desires, i guess i've been a dirty-minded little girl since day one.


*lg

Farmwife said...

Your writing is exceptionally intense and enthralling, and becomes increasingly so all the time. I am fascinated by the idea of language play of any sort, as you would imagine. I find making an effort to speak in a certain way indicated by my master to be a wonderful exercise in submission.

Farmwife said...

If I did anything with my dolls, it was CP/spanking. Dolls and teddy bears, Lonely Doll style.

Anonymous said...

sounds like a perfect "Stepford submissive?" one would believe that eventually a women stripped of her personality might began to feel frustration's. It would take quite a long training period to come to this conclusion? My thoughts on this is although she bends to His will which is why she lives, underneath, deep down, underneath there will always be what makes her who she is.

I will confess when i read this wonderful picture that was painted i longed to be this perfect submissive. for a moment. then pulling myself up from the puddle i had become. i snapped out of it. smiles

Deity welcome back and i hope Your well earned vacation was all it should have been!

acquiescent

jayne said...

Welcome back, i missed you. But such a short holiday, i hope it was everything you wished it to be.

I wonder if your barbie ever rebels when you are not around and recaptures, illicitly, something of herself for a short while.

persephone said...

i am just sitting here thinking, trying to articulate what i think and feel about this post. i think that i would enjoy the idea more if i heard it from the perspective of the doll herself. i mean, if she could be allowed to articulate clearly. ;) because the idea is quite erotic-- but only as long as i know that she is off in her limited, tiny doll world feeling tremendously aroused by her captivity.

personally, the only thing i don't like about being a toy is the part where i get put away. so the idea of such exacting attention is rather nice. in a way, does it make her more like a pet than a doll, though?

too many questions for a comments section, oops. :)

Deity said...

ani,
it is such a rich piece. you use terms such as 'hogtie' but not in a traditional way. I really liked it. it played with my mind. thank you.

wren,
i don't think the girl ever fully forgets herself when we play this way. I think she has momentarily suspended her real persona, and sunk into this comfortable alter-ego where she is free to let her body be moved and shaped by my nasty demands. This ensures she's never really mindless. Actually, quite mind-ful.

engrailed,
so happy to infect even just a little. when barbie speaks to me like this, i lose my grip on all normal thought.

lg,
so if you were directing your dolls having lodes of sex, who were you in the play? One of the dolls? Or the hands putting them in their compromising positions?

amber,
your compliment is mesmerizing. Thank you. I stumbled on the idea of using language and have loved wielding it since.

acquiescent,
the training can in fact be long. Sometimes years. Sometimes weeks. It really depends on the desire of the girl to give into the idea of making the doll come alive. Once she does, it is crucial for me to stay aware of her well-being, because as the doll, she won't do it herself. This is where i've run into some problems before.

jayne,
when she's barbie, she better not rebel. that's call for extra correction.

meg,
i've seen a pet as someone who would lie at my feet, wag her tail when i came home. My doll is someone who moves at my command and my leisure. She is released and brought out when i want to play with her. She's not caged, but encased.

i like your idea. Maybe i let barbie answer some questions from those who'd like to hear from her. Any takers?

Anonymous said...

"i don't think the girl ever fully forgets herself when we play this way. I think she has momentarily suspended her real persona"

How can you be sure that your desires aren't damaging her psychologically?

You love women so you need to control their every movement, their clothes, hair, vocabulary. Men buy Real Dolls for this very purpose - to have something that does their bidding without answering back. Or do you want the doll to rebel so you can correct her? It does seem that stripping a woman of the personality she had when you met her has a misogynistic feel to it.

It would be illuminating to have Barbie make an appearance to better illustrate the dynamic of how the training works.

Deity said...

It figures that a comment like this would come from an anonymous source.

Psychological harm and misogyny can be the by-products of just about anything one pursues in the SM world (and do not get me started on listing what in the vanilla world could also have the same effects).

To compare what i do to Real Dolls seems much more misogynistic than my affectations of guiding a willing girl through the process of finding a liberating sexual role to assume.

Farmwife said...

The freedom/slavory dialectic is the most fascinating in the context of the SM world.

His pet said...

i am so glad you are back. i can't believe how much i missed your musings. There is no better view into the workings of a dominant man's mind.

Though my blog is named after the puppy play i do with my Master, His desires are really much more eclectic. He isn't as focused on one aspect as you are (yet). We have gone through phases where He focuses on the 'doll' persona...telling me what to wear and calling me His Barbie (even making me learn the song Barbie girl to sing to Him). He has always modified my speech as well. There is a list of words i am not allowed to use. My grammar must be perfection or i am punished. It isn't nearly as refined and concentrated as your traning is, but it some remind me of what you write here.

i found reading this quite fascinating, and of course, enjoyable as you are a brilliant writer. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us.

brooke

Deity said...

puppy,
Goodness, such praise. I'm quite touched.

I can definitely confess to thinking of your "Let's go Barbie" post as i was looking for the photo that sits atop this entry. I'd love to hear more about the words you are limited to.

His pet said...

Perhaps limited to was poor wording. It is more like a host of words i am not allowed to say. Although i write them in my blog (usually when quoting Him) i am not allowed to curse or say things like slut and cunt. Poor grammar in any form is not acceptable. i shudder to think what would happen if i said the word ain't. i must speak, dress and act like a lady at all times. i must always have perfect posture. i have spent many hours balancing books on my head to perfect what i considered already good posture. On the flip side of the ladylike thing...when i am being used by Him i am not allowed to say muffin (what i used to call my vagina), but must instead use the word pussy. i must say ass instead of bottom. Hmmm...i find this harder to explain than anticipated. It's quite contradictory, isn't it? i never really thought about it, i just do what i am told. Bascially i think He likes to take a perfect, demure, sweet young lady and corrupt her into His perfect puddle of lust and fuck.

Hope that made sense. Love, love, LOVE this blog.

goodgirl said...

Barbie is such a pretty dolly.
Know wonder you do so enjoy playing with her. Willful, following commands, wanting to be lead.

How your words create comfort, pleazing to me, to the dolly i am.

~a/bambi

Deity said...

bambi,
thanks so much for the compliment. i do enjoy barbie, especially after long bouts of encasement.

pleazed to have provided another dolly comfort through my words.