Monday, July 2, 2007

The first transformation

Sadly, it doesn't involve another female. It focuses solely on me (yes, as if an entire journal dedicated to me wasn't enough). Well, on when i first discovered the indefensible tug the process of metamorphosis has over me.

I was 12 years old, plopped on my couch in front of the television on a Saturday morning (my how that device fed my development), watching one of my favorite programs which retold contemporary young adult books in a half hour cartoon format. The narrative of that day's featured story showcased a young boy who was constantly pushed around by a bully, and, losing his ability to tolerate it, sought a way to address it (i immediately could relate to this situation because i had long suffered at the hands of bullies throughout the years). It opens with him trying to escape yet another incident where he is chased and harassed. He stumbles upon a magic store that he hadn't seen before, down an alley he never knew existed. He wanders inside to be met by an eccentric shopkeeper who offers him a solution. Rushing home, he tries out the device that will eventually lead him to solve his bullying problem.

The Monster's Ring

This is an excerpt i found of the author, Bruce Coville narrating his tale. I invite you, the readers, to listen to the whole 15 minute clip. It is how i remember it when i first read it (i would subsequently, after seeing the cartoon, check out the book from the library well over 40 times). For those of you who'd just like to hear the important part, you can fast forward to the 10 minute and 10 second mark. This is my first attempt at a sort of multimedia journal entry, so you'll need realplayer to hear the excerpt in order to fully understand what i'm referring to.

I felt a strange sensation like young Russell as i watched this tale, but it wasn't in my forehead. As i watched his physical features morph into a beast, and then more incredibly his appetites and his instincts become ruled by the monster he was changing into, i felt an incredible surge of lust and arousal. His change filled him with the power to take control of the situation. As he gave over to the rising monster, he was able to use it to eradicate the bully in his life. Witnessing the ecstasy he experienced in letting out his most hideous, ravenously evil side obviously stirred an innate desire in me to harness the same force. For many years following, i was easily aroused when i dreamt up transformations that happened to me. Most of my energy in fact focused on this aspect: auto-metamorphoses.

Something, however, trumped this. It first appeared in literature and movies, where i came across instances of a woman undertaking a conversion at the hands of a male "master" (Lucy Wisterna in 'Dracula', Princess Lily in 'Legend'). It overpowered my interest in turning the transformation on myself when i then encountered females who would willingly hand over the future of their mental and physical state to someone else. I wanted to embrace the power of becoming the Creator in their world. I wanted to tackle the hunger that wells up inside of me whenever i encounter the feminine creature by making her completely mine.

5 comments:

Venus said...

I think that is the crux of the problem for people like me. Unable to give in to primeval urges. It seems as though you have mastered the art; I envy you.

persephone said...

i think that so much of what we do in dominance and submission is set out upon this line that you alluded to-- of what we are actually doing to another (or receiving from another), and what we are doing to ourselves. what we are doing *for* ourselves by acting upon another.

very thought provoking. :) even though, sadly, i wasn't able to hear the media clip.

Amber said...

What a very very interesting piece of personal history, it seems to compliment the things we've discussed. It prompted me to share this: When I was a young girl (9 to 14?), chiefly inspired by my mother's great love for dark and the occult (Master and Margarita, Faust, and all that), and because I was very miserable during that age (perhaps any teenager is - you think you are ugly, someone picks on you, you feel you are not respected, and all that), I dreamed and dreamed of selling my soul to the devil in exchange for beauty, wealth, and power. I mean, I seriously dreamed of the possibility. I dreamed of having (very specifically) green eyes, red hair, and nice clothes (plus, we were very poor). Yet, starting the age of 15 and very distinctly after reaching the age of 18 and up to the present day, when I realized that none of that was necessary - that I could easily create all of those things - that I could dress stylishly with old and cheap things, that I was, in fact, quite beautiful with my dark hair and dark eyes and sometimes all you need to have everyone look at you is sexier clothes, and that dreams, in fact, can be transformed into a very tangible reality by the effort of imagination and the application of some hard work. This way, transformation was unnecessary and I didn't need the "devil" t do the trick for me. I could do it myself, and still can. It was an empowerment from within - the one that would always be there and would not need the unreliable magic forces.

Anonymous said...

So is it now that the girl herself IS the ring that gives you access to this power within you? Or do you feel complete with that side of yourself even when you don't possess her?

p.s. the audio was great.

a.g.

Deity said...

venus,
primeval urges...i like the sound of that, although i feel that instead of mastering anything, i feel i've got way too much obsessiveness to let my failures stop me.

meg,
i try to be as cognizant of what my girl is giving me as what i'm giving myself. This way, she is not completely responsible for my pleasure.

amber,
Pact with the Devil, eh? That's spectacular. I used to spend my nights before i went to sleep, trying to prepare my mind to create a dream wherein i would transform. It is definitely an internal empowerment, as you say.

a.g.,
i've been thinking of how to respond to your excellent question. I feel almost like the shopkeeper, sometimes. I give the girl the power to escape into a new identity, one that allows her to realize her darkness and her deepest passions.

Thank you for stopping by. Truly an excellent question.