"I'm not like the other boys."
-Michael Jackson, in his video for the song Thriller
To follow this idea of us all wanting to be valued and accepted, this abuts right up against this feeling i've long held about myself. My difference. I'm not like others. I don't fit in and never really have. Even amongst my small nuclear family, i am set a part from them. My siblings and i get along, but they do not understand me. We are night and day and many cannot believe we grew up in the same house. I don't resemble my parents, nor do either of them feel connected to me. Both of them have said, in their own way, that they felt like i could've been adopted. Our world views are dramatically different. Even our political ideologies couldn't be more opposite.
Amongst my friends, very few of them know the extent of the power exchange that defines my relationship with my girl. Even then, i cannot speak to any of them with much detail before they quickly try to change the subject. If we venture outside of the horizon of my kink, i hold opinions on most topics that are not warmly received or come across as controversial. In large part, the massive contents of my thoughts remain stuck inside my head (except those i journalistically share here or other places).
Acquaintances have always perceived me as odd. A character. Not normal. And for most of my life, that is in fact the umbrella under which i roamed. When compared to others in my same gender, i haven't found much kinship there either. They hold different priorities (watching and talking about sports all of the time). Their reaction to the passing female stranger ("oh, i'd do her.") is incredibly incongruent with mine - i want to stare at her beauty, study it, possess it, but rarely is it my desire to fuck it.
As a result of this, i have developed very thick skin. It wasn't always that way. As a young boy, i was accused (take note that i use this word) by others of purposely acting against the norm: "You just like being different." I became immediately defensive at this accusation. I swore it wasn't an artificial cloak i wore, but they had me convinced that my difference was faked. Rather than attempt to silence the outcastedness, i just withdrew deeper inside. It was these times i turned to that young man that reflected back at me in that mirror on my floor.
In those times, i didn't see my difference as an asset. It was my handicap. It was what kept me from being a part of the world around me, and more importantly, finding what i needed to satisfy my appetites. It took a great deal for me to realize the worth in my deviant mind, and liberation finally came to me when i first explored SM with a girl i was dating.
Now, when i think about what so many misguided children used to say to me "You just like being different," i smile. It's true. Wow, how i wish i could've felt that way then.
6 comments:
hi deity.
this post struck a chord with me, though i don't know exactly what to say to articulate my reaction. i'm thinking of that accusatory statement, "you just like being different," as if that renders you some kind of imposter. i think of a phrase that strikes me (for some reason that i can't put my finger on) as similar: "you're just looking for attention." in either case, why was it intended and received as such a criticism? i share with you the desire to have had the insight of adulthood in those childhood moments, or to have learned that acceptance-- rather than blame-- is the best way to confront any seemingly difficult feeling or part of ourselves.
thanks for the thought-provoking post.
I, too, was always labeled as "different," and, yes, accused of being "different" on purpose. I was always "too much" of something to satisfy my family. I, however, purposefully found friends that others considered outcasts. The new show "glee" reminds me of my friends and a big part of my high school experience.
I cannot share my D/s lifestyle with any of my friends. My blog friends, and a few from a local much are all that know about this side of my life. As a divorce attorney, I have no choice in this matter. My lifestyle choices, if made public would ruin my career.
But, I did something right, imho, from having this experience: I taught my children to be loud and proud with their differences. And they are. And, the beauty of this? Because they are proud of their differences, and have parents who love and support their differences, they are well-rounded individuals who are very popular with lots of friends. My children are popular because they embrace their differences, and people are impressed by their willingness to be open and honest about who they are.
That is how I learned to see my differences as a positive. And, so now, today, if when I express an opinion, and some "wannabe dom" tells me that I'm not submissive because I'm outspoken, I know who is real (me), and who is not. I know who I am, and am proud of it, even if I have to hide to make sure I "don't scare the straights." *smiles*
thanks for this very thought-provoking post. Excellent writing as always.
hugs,
cutesypah
oh deity, i started reading this and was flooded with gratitude. i wonder, in fact, how many of us have always felt different in one way or another, were outcasts, and then came home when we embraced our dominance or submission.
the reason why the sadist is so good for me is that he saw the things that make me "weird" - my seeing the world in metaphor and insisting on letting that slip to others - and told me this was what made me special and desirable. he took possession and made me feel valuable, while cultivating me for his pleasure and (coincidentally, or maybe not) my sense of self-worth.
but the secrets... it was fun in some ways, when i was with the philosopher, that my friends didn't know what was at the heart of our relationship. i remember kneeling once by his chair, and thinking that my friends would have seen it as normal affection.
but now... my friends don't even know that the sadist exists. and never will. he has changed me, he has done wonders for me, his dominance, his ownership, even the very painful punishment that is to come, have all given me such strength, and no one but you guys know.
at least there's you guys.
thanks, deity.
meg,
Yes! I've heard that a great deal too. And i would come up with lavish explanations as to why i wasn't "just looking for attention". No, honestly, i just wanted to sing right now, while we stood in line. Do others not have that urge? Or do they and they just suppress them out of fear of being accused of the same thing?
No one likes a braggard or a self-centered person, so perhaps the attempts to draw someone's attention onto you are seen as that? Perhaps it's needy? I'm not really sure. I just knew over the years i developed an immediate response when someone would say that in a contemptuous tone.
cutesypah,
Isn't it just incredibly frustrating to not be able to share this side of you? I can talk to complete strangers about it so much easier than i can to those who i see on a regular basis.
In fact, in a conversation with a stranger about gay marriage and marriage equality, we both agreed that kink will NEVER be publicly accepted. That's just sad to realize.
o.g.,
i'm sure you aren't surprised to hear that i'd love to get more detail on how he's changed you. that is just so enticing. would you care to share?
Well said.
Richard,
Thanks for comment(s). I always appreciate the feedback.
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