Thursday, September 17, 2009

Wherein Deity gets stalked, Part I

Many years ago, i created a profile on one of the more prominent personal sites for those seeking an SM relationship. I was very curious, as online dating was just starting to really pick up steam, and thought it would be fun to venture into the kinky partition. I spent a little time filling out my profile, not much, but enough to get across the message that i wasn't seeking a "slave or a sub" nor was i needing the girl to refer to me as "Master" or "Lord" or "Sir" anything. I remember ploughing through the checklist of interests with rapid concentration. You had to indicate whether you'd be interested in receiving or giving of the particular activity (i.e. spanking) as well as indicating your experience level (never tried but curious; very experienced; or completely avoid). Without knowing what this said about me (because i didn't spend a great deal looking at other folks profiles), the manner in which i answered these questions gave my profile a specific expertise level. Apparently, i was advanced in my deviancy.

I enjoyed sampling the number of local girls (i was only looking for any interaction with someone who lived in my city) who largely expressed their (mostly) reluctant interest in being dominated by a man. This made sense to me. If you were reluctant to pursue a kinky connection, it was pragmatic to test the waters in a relatively safe online environment. But, i didn't completely understand what these girls meant by "being dominated by a man" and still don't understand what this means when i encounter this in the naughty blogosphere. I consider myself a dominant male, but i've never seen my behavior as dominating. When it has felt right, i've seen my behavior as guiding, mesmerizing and arousing. I didn't know if these girls were just looking for a much more pushy version of the typical spineless, insecure male they were used to being with, or if indeed they sought the deep connection i've found when reducing a girl to an object.

I found a good number of girls to be outright enticing as presented through their profile, but chose not to contact any of them. Content for now to just act as a voyeur, i logged in every few days to monitor the activity. I'd been on the site for about a week before i received my first message. It was adorable in its frenetic brevity. She was very timid and unsure, but she expressed a nearly uncontrollable urge to reach out to find out more about the man i described myself as. We had a few conversations, and it became clear that my desires were much more extreme than perhaps she wanted at the moment. We parted ways in a pleasant manner - her wishing me luck in my search, me wishing her to be safe and to guard herself diligently. Most of the exchanges (all initiated by the girl) i had on this site proceeded like this, with me at the end wishing to secure each of these novices against what i observed as unexperienced and misguided trolls posing as "Dominants".

I'd nearly given up hope on ever finding a reasonably entertaining and challenging plaything, when out of nowhere Pamela [not her real name] dropped me a very reticent and cautious line. I'll never forget the exact wording of her note:

I'm not even sure why i'm on this site or even why i'm writing to you, but you sound unlike any other man i've found here, and even if you weren't that refreshing, and despite the fact you don't post a pic of yourself, i can't help but get the sense that you are an incredibly attractive person.

I sat on her message for a few days. I liked that it was just mine. I hadn't responded yet, so, to her there was no real existence of me. Just a profile. Whereas i got to sit and read those words and couldn't help but feel their genuineness and their utter flattery. She showed intelligence, confidence, but also a deep vein of curiosity in just her words. I contemplated not even replying, ditching the site completely, but then i abdicated and wrote her back.

I wish now that i hadn't.


oatmeal girl said...

"But, i didn't completely understand what these girls meant by "being dominated by a man" and still don't understand what this means when i encounter this in the naughty blogosphere. I consider myself a dominant male, but i've never seen my behavior as dominating."

Ah... this reminds me of the approaches I still occasionally get on FetLife, and of most of the replies I'd get to my few desperate ads on craigslist during sad, empty days. These men who say this or that to try to persuade me that they were what I wanted when in fact they were missing that indescribable something that reveals itself in just a few words and lures me as sure as the smell of a fresh-baked pie.

A truly dominant male - at least from my perspective - will radiate that guiding control without the need for any threatening words or chest-beating self-promotion. You can feel it...

Jz said...

"i didn't completely understand what these girls meant by "being dominated by a man"

As someone who frequently hears, "there's something about you..." only to have it turn out the guy thinks that the whiff of kink he senses means that I would want to play domme... maybe those women just want to be sure the guy gets the right end of the stick!

just a thought... :-)

Looking forward to Part 2!

cutesypah said...

Deity, I can't imagine a situation where you aren't completely in control.

I have yet to meet a man in person who matched his online persona. I'm just glad Mr Right hung out at the coffee shop.

Oh, but for me, being dominated by a man means getting that feeling that he really COULD get the better of me. Mr Right can be so cocky, but in the most disarmingly, charming, and sexy way. He's just so SURE of himself that it makes me swoon! that's what being dominated by a man means to me - that if I let him, or rather, don't watch closely, he would lead me right into the den of iniquity before I knew what hit me. (pun intended)

victory regained said...

I agree with OG. Men that are truly dominant know it, and thus have no reason push the subject. We just need to be ourselves and our character will show itself.

milla said...

Um this sounds like an awesome story. Awesome in the sense of totally shithouse at the time, but awesome in the retelling.

I too look forward to Part 2.

xx milla

Anonymous said...

Deity, you have described the challenges of on-line dating perfectly. Moreover, you have pointed out the challenge of navigating waters filled with under-prepared persons seeking partners. Both male and female.

Since all encounters, good and bad begin with hello, I am waiting on pins and needles to see how this resulted in your being stalked. CD

Anonymous said...

I suspect, Mr. Deity, that you are a very kind but very persistent sort of man. You go about convincing the girl that it is all right for her to have for herself what it is she wants. Perhaps, this gives you much pleasure. This kind of 'dominance' is, I think, the most effective kind. Why, I even think you could convince her that it is in her interests to get the cane.

Such a clever form of 'dominance' me thinks.


MizP said...

I recently had a discussion with a dominating male who thought he was a Dom. I had a difficult time getting him to understand that his arrogance and demands were not only ridiculous but highly unattractive. I also agree with OG that a truly dominant male does not have a need to try so hard to be domineering, he just is. It is this male that will get a positive response.

Looking forward to Part II.

Pamela (not from your story)

Deity said...

are submissives the only antenna for this frequency?

It does seem that there is a large assortment of men out there who want to be bottoms. More so than tops?

There's a reason i've waited until now to re-tell this story. It wasn't - well, i won't ruin it. Just a tough one to endure.

I'm not sure if i'm self-assured or just don't care all that much about rejection.

victory regained,
"truly dominant" - what does that mean? what makes that word stand on its own?

wouldn't think that dear ole Deity could get stalked, wouldja?

I haven't done much online dating, so i hope my experience with Pamela isn't indicative of the typical experience.

to see my desires reflected back to me as fully-owned aspects of a girl is truthfully the clearest sense of the erotic for me.

This is where i agree, merely arrogance can't mean dominant tendencies. I for one believe intense arrogance is merely a mask for intense insecurity.