Saturday, November 15, 2008

The illusion always has an explanation

The average visitor to these pages comes across "TransformHer" for the first time, having never stepped foot into my shadowy lair ( i know this because there's a reason i get so few comments but a healthy albeit humble turnstile count). As i've come to notice, most random, brand new visitors find my black and orange-hued corner through image/content searches for "venus corset" or "neck corset" (and especially these two posts: one on Venus corsets and the other on my neck corset obsession). The latter post being over a year old, and yet it still seems to snag a gigantic portion of my visitors. In fact, were it my sole goal to accumulate the largest number of visitors my particular bent could muster, i'm convinced all i'd need to do would be to post an entry filled with a run-on sentence that consisted of four words: "neck corset venus corset"

neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset neck corset venus corset

and so on...

In actuality, my number one goal has not been focused on me luring the largest number of interested readers (i.e. quantity), but rather me presenting a viewpoint that sparks dialogue, debate and conversation about topics that too frequently get treatment as pure fantasy (i.e. quality). By this i mean i want to take the "Gor" out of SM, the forced honorifics and protocols that seem to muddle up what anyone who seeks a power exchange is really looking for - a connection to a like-minded spirit (i speak out against the fakery out there in the SM world, and yet i still pen this entry under the fictional name of 'Deity'. Yes, i recognize the irony in this).

This entry really is meant for those first-timers to "The Lustful Quality" or even those semi-frequent visitors who have not lent their voice to this dialogue (i promise to be kind and encouraging to anyone who comments). Should you desire to engage in a kink relationship that takes the structure of a Male Top and a female bottom, i seek to dispel any illusions that this journey is devoid of difficulty, emotional pain or even total miscalculations. I've been pursuing this kind of power dynamic for decades, and i have yet to have still master the day in and day out, and despite what may come across in my entries, there are still struggles between me and my girl that are very human, very raw and very flawed.

I chronicle a regular correction of my girl on these pages that some of you have taken a shine to, but i don't often present the failed episodes wherein my girl does not respond to the discipline i'm dishing out. This does not make her flawed or disobedient, rather it can be chalked up to the regular ruminations of living life. It would be complete folly to expect my girl to take instruction from every single character she encounters in her life like she does from me. In fact, she is a fiery, opinionated, and intelligent creature whose voice is very often sought and relied upon - to insist that this voice be silenced would do an injustice to not only her but the world. That being said, this creature with such a tiny, feminine frame who must fight for a seat on the train ride home can't just disrobe of this armor the instance she steps foot across our threshold.

I've seen many portrayals out there of 24/7 power exchanges where the submissive is able to/expected to immediately assume the role of the bottom as soon as they come in contact with their Top. I won't declare those as being false, but i will say i've had no such similar experience. Just because i call my girl up in the middle of the day, on a day where she needs to be on top of her game, responding to others' needs, juggling others' demands, it would be completely ignorant and unreasonable for me to expect her to assume the bottomness she so beautifully accomplishes in the comfort of our home.

This is a game of psychology, and for the most part sanctuary. I'm not able to, nor should i seek it, to be a Top to everyone i encounter in my business transactions. Nor should my girl assume the role of the submissive to everyone who engages her. When we do come together, there is a considerable negotiation and a certain amount of theatrics that takes place. Sometimes i feel like i'm putting on a production with me as the Director/School Master/Boss character that creates an environment where we are able to assume the roles that slough off the masks we portray in our daily lives. What makes it all the more engaging is that we're not following a set protocol or an ideology, and in fact exploring this journey together, making it our own. Me being who i am, i would be quite disappointed should i discover that i was in fact towing some unseen party line with regards to SM. And quite personally (with all due respect to those who enjoy lines that are rift with parties and ideologies), i'm not sure that's realistically possible.


Goose said...

So well put, so rational and honest. I wish more people in the scene could write so well and own their own experience as you do.

Anonymous said...

Hi Diety,

I'm commented infrequently, though I'm a regular reader and fan. I agree with you, although my D/s relationship is an affair and not anywhere near 24/7. We are Dom/sub, lovers and friends. I am always His sub though and even if we are talking about something and my place is not fully apparent, all it takes is a look or a word from Him and I feel myself transform instantly. It's quite amazing. The power exchange is remarkable to me and it is so perfectly natural.


oatmeal girl said...

"This is a game of psychology, and for the most part sanctuary. [...] Sometimes i feel like i'm putting on a production with me as the Director/School Master/Boss character that creates an environment where we are able to assume the roles that slough off the masks we portray in our daily lives."

Oh, there is so much in this passage! I'm especially impressed by your use of the word "sanctuary" - not necessarily something one would connect with D/s, especially where physical discipline is involved. Certainly, we know that it involves psychological manipulation, but sanctuary? And yet I am constantly noting that what is done with and to me makes me feel safe. It is a litany by now: "you make me feel small and safe and very very submissive."

Perhaps that is connected to the last part I quoted: a combination of trust in the director, and the freedom and, yes, security, that comes from throwing off the mask and being oneself.

A very beautiful part of that last section is how you speak of assuming a role in order to throw off the mask. A wonderful turn of phrase and very incisive. And maybe it's because of throwing off the mask that, even though rationally I DO know (somewhere very deep down, or at moments of discussion such as this) that yes, it is a game, it doesn't feel like a game. I float off into a submissive state at a word, and it is very very real. It reminds me of back when I was a theatre major - I would dream in character, like dreaming in a foreign language when I am abroad.

Submission is my reality that was locked away, and now that it has been set free I feel stronger than ever in my life, even as I allow a clever sadist to manipulate my mind and abuse my body.

Anonymous said...

Such good writing, oh my! I too feel awkward about "the Gor element" in SM and actually appreciate the theatrical aspect it can take on.

Nice photos, too. The girl has such a long neck, is what I kept thinking.

bettenoir said...

A lovely post. Thank you. Your blog is always so beautifully and thoughtfully written.

We are with you because while we have our 'pet titles' for one another they are not stilted honorifics. They are words that come from our hearts that speak to what we are to one another.

I have to say I agree with oatmeal girl, I love the use of the word sanctuary. I feel the same way. My relationship with him is a sanctuary in many ways despite (or maybe because of) the SM. I do not fear him or the discipline he dispenses. I welcome the pain it when discipline is called for and I revel in it when it is done for my pleasure. I always feel safe and sometimes I wonder if it isn't simply because I am loved for all of me....masochist, submissive, slut and 'little one'.

Deity said...

i'm happy to hear that it came across as such. sometimes i recognize that i'm a blowhard who uses too many words.

what i think is missing in your comment is that right now it may only take a phrase to instantly transform you, but it hasn't always been that way. i imagine your relationship evolved over time through trust and communication that allowed this sort of release to instantly occur.

my power exchange with my girl is my island getaway, my refuge, my solitary confinement. i'm still struck by the irony inherit in the notion that one must be tightly controlled and bound to really experience liberation.

thank you for your comment. i assume the photos you refer to are those contained in this post. if so, yes, she has a very lengthy, pristine neck.

i would render a guess that it is precisely that - that he loves you for all of who you are. any one of us is blessed to have similar circumstances.

Angel said...

I read you blog often but I've never had the strength to respond. I would like to say thank you for showing that M/s relationships are not easy.
I was a slave until recently when my Master decided that it was to much work for Him and He no longer wanted me. I'm pleased to see that even strong M/s relationships are hard. I've been feeling poorly lately and your writing makes me feel better.
Thank you.

sub lyn said...

i can very much relate to the difficulty your girl finds in shedding her mask some days. Since my marriage ended and i moved out on my own a few months ago, i've found that my psychology has changed a lot. On the one hand, i'm having to be more self-reliant, and on the other, i'm embracing a new opportunity for self-determination. Those things are combining to make it more difficult for me to submit to my Master the way i used to and they way we'd both like me to.

i've been meaning to write a blog post of my own about this, i need to do that.

Deity said...

truth be told, NO relationship is easy. when you propose that two people come together with two very individual world views and attempt to live in harmony and open understanding, this is the tallest of tall orders. i don't see relationships based on a power exchange any differently than those typically "normal" relationships. if they are carried out the right way, respect, admiration and support would be found in both.

sub lyn,
that difficulty actually resides as an invisible assassin. lurking, unseen, undetected. Certainly, unaccounted for when abrasion creeps into the communication of the aggravation not being able to remove that mask so easily creates in both parties.

Possession said...

I hesitate to reply - somehow, I still feel very exposed, despite the anonymity provided by the internet - but this entry compelled me to.

Serendipity brought me to this post at this time when I've been struggling with just what you describe. With so many blogs out there, it's easy to hold yourself up to their standard, despite not really knowing the truth of them. The writers of these blogs could be just giving us the good moments in their relationship, and I surmise that most of them are, but that doesn't stop the reader from wondering at times if they're just not doing something right. Especially when they're so new at it, as I am.

The relationship that I'm in has been going on intermittently for the past five years, almost all of that long distance. As you can imagine, things are MUCH different, now that we reside in the same city. He would tell you that he created me to be what I am - what he means by that is that he saw the tendencies in me and encouraged them, drawing them out and cultivating me into what I am now. And I took to it like a duck to water. Most days.

Your honesty in portraying, not only the highlights of your relationship, but also the obstacles that you come across, really has helped me to look at my own relationship realistically. You mentioned in one entry that it took your girl nearly 3 years to completely rid her wardrobe of pants - something I've been instructed to do, but takes time and money to buy enough skirts to do the job, especially now that its winter. And now, thanks to you, I'm glad to know that even seasoned couples have moments when it's difficult to 'flip a switch' and instantly change your nature. let alone those of us who have only really been trying to do so in earnest for a handful of months.

I'm glad to know that I'm not "doing something wrong". This is a process. It will take time and practice. And perhaps we'll never reach perfection, but the journey will be rewarding.

Deity said...

Thank you for your incredibly kind comment. I appreciate your hesitation to post - i too share the same anxieties about my anonymity.

Jade over at JadeGate recently posted an amazing essay about the conflict between feminists and female submissives. I wonder if that wouldn't perhaps also provide you (and others) with some additional relief.

Check it out:
The Feminism in Female Sexual Submission