Saturday, September 4, 2010

Dominating the conversation

Recently, i was lucky enough to have fallen into a tidy sum of money that i wasn't at all expecting. I'm not a wealthy individual, nor am i poor. I make a reasonable salary, and our home is one of a few, but blessed comforts. What this all means is that this money served as an extraneous, imposing presence that couldn't simply be ignored.

I immediately called up my young nieces, asking them what it was they wanted most of all, right there, right now. One giddily shrieked "an iPod!!!", while the other shyly offered that she might like to have a brand new bike. Done, i told them. They squealed with their girlish delight. What next? I carved out a sizable sum and sent it off to one of my girl's favorite charities. Still left with a meritorious amount, i asked my girl if her dress code accoutrement needed any refreshing. How were her corsets? Fine? Hmmmm. What about her heels? Any pair in desperate need of replacement? No, all perfectly suitable. Stockings? Yes, yes, there are definitely a few pairs that she could retire and put out of their misery. However, that only ate up a few simoleons. What to do?

And then, suddenly, the thought occurred to me: I might be able to retire a number of items from off of my fetish wish list.

I exercised restraint (although not much) and hastily ordered some items that i have personally been lusting over for easily a decade's time. But here's the rub, since placing the order, i have been unable to think of little else, pondering the workshop where these items would be made, the shelves on which they sat, ready to be shipped to me, waiting, prolonging their arrival. And it has been killing me.

I have written very little explicitly about my status as a fetishist. In fact, of the 300+ posts i've penned for this site, only five contain the word "fetishist". Only 25 carry the label of "fetish", as if it weren't all that an important facet of my sexuality, when in fact it makes up the bold lion's share. It plays such a large role in how i verbalize my sexual desire, that sometimes it makes me question how "dominant" i actually am.

lg comes to mind when i make a statement like that, because she has recently revealed her own fluidity with the power roles she plays in her relationship with her Daddy. She has always represented herself publicly as a submissive girl, looking to be controlled and contained. However, she uncovered a desire to take charge, and demand worship. I applaud her exploration and discovery. This isn't exactly what i'm referring to, however.

I have no interests in acting like the submissive bottom in my dynamic with my girl. I am absolutely the Top, but i'm not so certain how "dominant" i am due to the ways in which my various fetishes can immediately take control over me. I could be in complete command of my persona, walking along the city streets, confident, bee-lining to every corner, and *BAM!!!* out of the blue, a cute girl with long, fake nails could wander into my view. All other thoughts evacuate from my single rail mind, and all i can do is stare, salivate and pant after this display of manicured perfection. Am i in control in this situation? Absolutely not. My body has an involuntary reaction to such a sight. The same goes with a gal lacing into a corset, sliding on a latex garment, or pulling on a pair of fully-fashioned thigh highs. I cannot control the instant arousal that overflows my body.

I will say it right here that having fetishes is not exactly a wonderful thing. To be instantly upturned the moment the fetishized object comes into view not only makes for some awkward public moments, but once someone learns about your fetish, depending on the character of the person, they'll attempt to either control you with it or embarrass you. Neither situation is enjoyable. I'm not ashamed nor distraught that i have these highly developed fetishes, but they do serve as a limitation, which is precisely the same impetus that a submissive might encounter when boundaries and rules for themselves have been defined by their Dominant.

The longer i live my life in this so-called realm of SM, the more i find myself turning away from prescriptive words such as "Dominant" and "submissive". They don't fit the reality of my experience. Because, as someone who deals with myriad fetishes, even though my girl goes and gets her nails done every two weeks exactly as i require (a "Dominant" decision), their appearance in my day interrupts whatever it was i happened to be doing at the time (an act of submission, if i ever saw one). They pester me. They demand my attention. And once they get it, all i can do is sit transfixed, succumbing to the overflowing desire to rapidly reach an orgasm.

2 comments:

littlegirlyone said...

I applaud you in taking the very brave step of questioning your own identification. Especially publicly. Having, as you noted, always identified as a submissive girl, I remember how horrified I was when I first had to think about whether it fit. It was similar to when my naturally blonde hair started to darken around age 14. Suddenly, although I still saw myself as a blonde, I had to admit that my haircolor didn't match the label.

I don't mean to use such a silly-sounding example, as obviously sexuality is much more complicated than haircolor. And yet "blonde" is a cultural identity, and I suppose it was the loss of that, and having to embrace a scary, new identity, that I'm really comparing this process to.

Keep questioning and exploring yourself. You don't have to label anything until you're ready. And you can always toss whatever you stick on yourself out, if you decide it no longer matches what you are.

Bravo, Mr. Deity.

Mac K. said...

Deity,

First of all, congrats on the windfall, and the Solomonic forward-paying thereof.

True to your handle, you recognize that the practicalities of dominating anything, anyone, or, for that matter, all creation, requires of one in that position a high tolerance for ambiguity.

I might go as far to say that real dominance emerges with the embrace of ambiguity, uncertainty and even contradiction, all of which form the spiritual basis of suffering. Indeed, in all mytho-poetic traditions the measure of the sacred is in the reconciliation of opposites - the integration of grace and suffering. As Dominique Aury observes in the epigraph to The Story of O, the duties of a god include relishing the tears.

Like you I don't set much stock by the needy parsings of conventional SM lexicography, but it may be worth remembering in the above regard that "dominus" and "dominant" are etymological kin. Perhaps to dominate is to create the space in which integration and the reconciliation of opposites can be lived. If so, how better than to be fully awake to one's own contradictions?

K