What a funny word. Doesn't quite look right, does it? Almost looks like a name, but alas, it is intentional. I'm about to embark on what i hope will be a therapeutic bloodletting, so please bear with me.
I'm not a man. At least, not based on the examples that i encounter on a daily basis. I'm something that approximates a man, edging towards one, but i fall quite short of the standard. I'm a fresh-faced, bright eyed man-child. Were those of you who read me on a semi-regular basis to meet me, you would find it hard to believe that the gender i choose for sexual copulation is that of the female. I've got fine features. I'm not demonstrably tall (in fact, without knowing why, i come off as a "small individual", even though i'm an average height for an adult man) and i'm athletically slim. I've an incredibly youthful appearance and my gesticulations tend to be passionate, overdone and loud - all of these accumulated traits have branded me with a character sketch, to those i encounter, as one who is a latent homosexual. Sadly, it would be easier in some respects if i were gay, because at least i might find myself beginning to fit into some well-defined world with rules and expectations.
Alas, that is not the case. I love girls. Adore them. Obsess, ache, and even starve for them. But as far as mimicking the behavior of my fellow man, that is where we depart.
***DISCLAIMER ALERT - WHAT FOLLOWS IS AN EXPOSURE OF THE WAYS MEN ACTUALLY BEHAVE. LEAVE THESE PAGES NOW IF YOU CARE NOT TO LEARN A TRUE SIDE OF MEN***
Every regular man i've met, and have spent a reasonable amount of time around, wants to stick his cock into every single "attractive" female he encounters. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. They evaluate complete female strangers based on which "hole" they'd likely use, and what measures they would need to install in order to conceal the unattractive features that might make their conquest less enjoyable. I cannot stress how widespread and prevalent this attitude towards women is. Men who catcall, men who oggle, men who undress you in the five seconds it takes for you to walk by them - they all want to hump every single one of you.
And, this completely escapes and baffles me.
As a man, i get to witness the average male's true and honest behavior. But, rather than paint this behavior as abhorrent, i'd prefer to focus more on the difference it represents to my own. As far as i can remember, i've never seen another, unacquainted woman and want to take her to my/her bed (or behind the counter) - or even for that matter, women i know. Now, before this descends into the easy "Deity is a gentleman and a polite individual" track, i'd like to say that i'm not exactly sure why i don't have this normal reaction. I've been in situations where a typically benign, business meeting suddenly turns into an evaluation of the top 5 most attractive girls in the office, and who would each most likely fuck. I witness these assessments with a certain degree of awe, because these men are speaking in tongues in which i am not fluent. When the prattle makes its way around, and it's my turn to select which female officemate i'd like to put over the desk, i might as well be trying to explain to a French librarian what Danish cookbook i'm trying to locate - all the while speaking Japanese.
Like i said, this isn't a dissertation on how other men suck and Deity is the bestest of them all. Instead, it's a self-evaluation in the hopes of understanding what i'm lacking, and what they have versus what i don't got. I've discussed this with a few people, and most of them say that the majority of men learn this behavior - to mark any and all females as potential receptacles for their seed. That some imperative individual in their development explained to them that women - all women - are to be evaluated for their ability to get you off. But, honestly, i don't buy it. Surveying the cavalcade of men in my life who act in this fashion, i see that many of them did not grow up with a dedicated male role model (i.e dad was absent, uncles insufficient, etc.), which i think rules out cultural implications into this male norm. Therefore, with all the (unscientifically-derived) data facing me, i'm prepared to make a diagnosis:
- I'm severely lacking in some serious levels of testosterone that other men just get.
If this were true (which i'm sad to admit, it's likely not - this mystery will continue to go unsolved), simply ingesting a handful of supplements would set me on the right track to female objectification.
Wait a minute! Doesn't Deity already partake in an assortment of female objectification? Why, good man, you are correct. That objectification, reducing an intelligent, articulate woman into nothing but a vessel is quite different.
Or is it?
I ask this a bit rhetorically, but also a touch pejoratively. These behaviors my fellow men demonstrate cannot be seen as negative when you allow yourself to believe they are acting purely on instinct. And remember, they are only acting verbally, among other men. Most are not carrying out these behaviors they present as their desires.
I too have instincts or vices that do not appear socially acceptable. I have a skill for fabricating the truth - or to the layman - lying. From a very young age i realized that i could present someone with a false fact or tale quickly and believably. More importantly, i had no reservations pulling this off. No remorse. Whereas most people feel deeply guilty after doing this.
I have an innate talent for stealing. Also, from an early age, i realized i'm very good with my hands, and can conceal an object in them incredibly well. I also have strong observational skills, so i can examine my surroundings, determine if anyone is watching, and carefully make my way from somewhere with my loot even in plain sight.
Now, neither of these are all that attractive traits, and i'd be in an awful lot of trouble if i acted on them regularly. However, i have a way to dampen their impact on my daily behavior. I also didn't learn these behaviors. They came naturally to me. They are, for all intents and purposes, instincts. And just like the average male's instinct to mentally turn every pretty girl into a sex slave, they too aren't criminals for solely thinking this way.
I simply can't think like most men. And this fact makes living in a world as a man incredibly taxing and alienating from time to time. Because, let's face it, men suck, but thank goodness, so do women.
8 comments:
Deity, Sir
First, this one sentence made me laugh and I thank you for that: "Deity is the bestest of them all."
Second, I absolutely believe many behaviours are innate - I do believe in the scientific thought that men are, for the most part constantly thinking of spreading their seed whereas women are for the most part, constantly thinking of their eggs and protecting them.
In the animal kingdom, animals mate often and with many and with random other animals. They are not oogling or hooting at their potential sperm receptacles; but they rarely court their potential mates - they have a purpose, the purpose is to procreate.
I believe the verbal exchange is learned, the motive, the instinct I believe is innate.
This was an interesting read Deity. Thank you for allowing me to see the world through your experiences.
~a
I'd venture this, rather crudely: you're smart; you refined your tastes early (likely as a result of relying on your own instincts and not feeling the need or the desire to join the pack), and you have that fairly rare thing we call charisma. Sure lying and stealing are frowned upon... But what the hell.
I'm a woman and I tend to hang out with men mostly. The men you describe are funny in a crude sort of way. Easy to be around to let off steam and dreadfully boring otherwise. Their language is coded but pretty easy to interpret. My friends tend to be more along the lines of how you describe yourself.
As I said, crude statements. But I'm not in the mood to write an essay.
You are absolutely the bestest of them all!
Honestly, my husband is the same way you are. Some men may have higher testosterone levels, but I think it has more to do with social conditioning from the media and peers and not just fathers and uncles. Men in all cultures don't do this.
Some men just want a sexual relationship with one special woman... I applaud that.
What a very interesting blog!
I would put forward the theory that the 'average' man is indeed acting from learned behaviour, but not from parental influence, more from peers and the media, as Sexperts has stated in the post above. They are behaving in the way that they think society expects them to and some fear being berated if they buck the trend.
The type of man you describe yourself as being, take heart that you are not alone and that there are others like you out there!
Deity, dear:
You raise so many fascinating issues here but my mind just can't get past the notion that you can honestly believe that you don't have high doses of testosterone. If it bellows like a bull, and it stomps like a bull and it charges like a bull, then it’s a ....
Dear Deity,
I highly recommend, if you have never heard of it, that you seek out and read this article: "The Trouble with Testosterone" by Robert Sapolsky (professor of biology and neurology at Standford.) I could ramble and twist the knowledge in my head in an attempt to explain it to you, but I think you would appreciate reading it from the source, and therefore coming to your own conclusions, much more.
I also agree with sexperts about social learning - learning is so, so, so much more than just from parents. Everything around us is capable of being a teacher - you should know that much. I would also suggest that group dynamics may be at play more than you allow in your analysis - the games of "one up-manship" and "follow the leader" are powerful encouragers.
The fact that you deviate from these norms only reinforces why we love you so. ;) In seriousness though, what you ask is akin to asking why some men become (unconsentingly) violent towards their partners and others do not, even though in theory they grew up in the same "society." Differing adaptations to the same stimulus, perhaps?
And no, I don't think your objectification of your girl is at all the same as the objectification that is par for the course for the average male specimen. For starters (and most importantly): You're conscious of it. All the time. But also, it's consentual, I imagine part of the eroticism is the fact that you know she lets you do it. We of the bottom-inclined orientation, whether fluidly compliant or slightly bratty, are in the end still willing participants, and that indicates a sense of control (uhm, no shit?) that is not even looked for or desired in catcalls and "top 5 fuckability" role-calls.. And lastly, your approach (or at least it seems to) consists of first fully recognizing the whole person, and then deconstructing her into a doll, rather than simply 'turning off' your acknowledgement of the whole person, to fascilitate the objectification. I hope that made sense.
For the record, I... have no idea what was in my tea this evening that produced such verbosity in response to your post. Regardless, Namaste.
-Ari
Hi Deity,
A few things:
1) what you describe in your disclaimer about male behaviour's ugly side is easily observed by most women. Often when we're very young, too (when I was a kid I was often left in the care of my father, and he would have male friends visit to play cards or what have you when my mom was away. Because I was a kid they didn't know (and I suspect didn't care) I was around, but I saw and heard quite a lot and so what you describe isn't shocking. Not now, anyway. When I was younger I might have been "shocked" and a little wary of the boys, but really, none of it surprised me much after that.
2)I know there's a lot of talk about testosterone and male animal nature and all of that, but women have testosterone too and we think about sex all the time too (unless, of course, we've been taking the pill for a while--then, sorry, no testosterone to speak of. Also, ironically, no desire for sex). The behaviour you're describing isn't normal or hormonal so much as it is taught. It's misogyny, pure and simple, and men are under a lot of pressure to act this way with other men around (because if you don't, that other side of misogyny pops up--the one where other men question your manliness by asserting that you may be too much like a girl). Note how often this is GROUP male behaviour--and not really expressed by men when they're on their own or in the presence of casual, mixed company.
That being said, I know there are many men who, like you, don't bow to such pressure. It's a matter of insecurity, really: those who feel insecure and inferior will always put up this behaviour for self-reassurance and for self-protection in the group. Those who just don't feel insecure or inferior in comparing themselves to other men just won't care to partake and they don't care if the others call them the typical names, like "effeminate", or "faggot" or any other "putdown" which some how equates insult with comparisons to women.
But I also know the vast majority of men will undergo a phase where what you've described is true (or partially true, or true enough to provide the requisite show in a group of men when it's demanded).
But it's not about true sexual desire. It's about enacting group tactics to categorize women so that they're not too much of a threat in any particular area of life--such as work, in any part of public life where groups of men feel they have to prove their "masculinity" when faced with the approach of a woman.
Maybe you're just not threatened by women so much. And maybe you really do want every woman you see--you just don't feel the need to share that bit of your thinking in public, with other guys, in what they would consider to be engaging conversation.
Deity, as a 3rd time visitor, I would like to say that being thoughtful and keen in your tastes does not make you less of a man; you just have less company within the species. Your sensibilities are what they are, which benefits those who are around you.
To echo the other readers, I will add that I do agree on the crudeness of men. Some is learned and reinforced by society-other behaviors are just innate. We try to legislate, moralize and script the behavior of men, but it does not work very well. I read "The Naked Ape" by Morris as a teen, which helped me to get what nature is trying to do. Namely, perpetuate the species. That pretty much is the goal.
It can be hurtful for women, to be one in a series of asses and tits. Yet that is biology without the force of reason. Reason causes us to be thoughtful, to weigh things out, to consider feelings. Strange that reason often doesn't kick in until it is too late.
I read have a number of things about how testosterone influences the mind and body in men (as well as transgenders who are making the switch over. Supposedly, more of it makes for more traditional behavior, which works well in some social arenas.
In our modern world, it must be tough to feel all brawny yet be faced with an economic culture that works with the mind and cares less about the body. My friends who hunt seem to be a bit more well-adjusted than those who have to resort to a 6 a.m. run to burn off energy.
It is not what we have to be but who we are, that should shape our lives. It is good to know that you are fitting well in your own skin. So many do not.
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