Sunday, July 18, 2010


This goes without saying seeing as where it is being said, however, this whole game of SM goes nowhere without context.

It's not that you want someone to pull your hair, just out of the blue. That would be rather painful, and incredibly infuriating. You do not walk the streets hoping some complete stranger would yank on your submissive/masochistic chain (already!). Nor do you wish that random strangers would call you slut as you passed by. There must exist a framework through which you are open to these activities, otherwise, these scary, edgy activities we partake in would really be scary. This is my concern with all of the SM-laced torture porn you see in movies like Saw and Hostel. It has the potential to normalize acting without that context, taking steps to treat someone in these brutal ways without establishing that critical framework. And that is the really scary thing.

With the advent of free or pirated porn on the Internet significantly increasing the amount of sexual material consumed, there are many folks who are concerned with how the female porn star look seems to creep ever more and more into normal society. This is certainly supported by the media outlets that do nothing but cover the myopic obsession female "celebrities" have with going under the knife. I have equal concerns as i browse through tumblr and i encounter captions that seem to indicate every girl in every situation should be viewed as a "slut" "whore" or "slave". I might be a bit too alarming in this paragraph, but do believe it is worth mentioning. It takes a very specific, carefully crafted environment for those sort of terms to have an erotic effect on me, and most photos i see in tumblr do not achieve it.

But just as i have concerns about what these materials might say about any girl who would be interested in assuming the role of a submissive bottom, i'm equally concerned about what it seems to say about the dominant Top. If we took our cue from the torture porn movies, sadistic Tops are mentally unstable. We have some serious bone to pick with young women, and our lust for revenge is greater than our lust for our "victim".

I do not seek to spank every bottom that i encounter. I do not hanker to wrap my hands in every girl's hair and pull them to their knees. I do not wish to impose my dress code and manner of behavior on the entirety of femalehood. That would be psychopathic.

The summarizing point of all this is to say both me and my girl worked our asses off to design, establish and construct this context that allows us to operate the way we do. I don't want that diminished by someone who minimizes its importance because they don't understand, but more aptly, i don't want to see it made extinct.


Anonymous said...

" the female porn star look seems to creep ever more and more into normal society."

This particular point hit a chord with me as I read your blog just after looking at the girls on my 14 year old stepson's Facebook list - have to say I was rather aghast at some of the pics and poses.

David said...

It is an interesting commentary on the media and personal perceptions of this D/s activity and I am always surprised by the lack of context, or worse yet, the presumption of context that people make. If someone finds out you are a dominant, the seeming next question is what are you in to, as if I have a standing set of activities, and the submissive must decide if she fits into my curriculum.

Clearly it is about getting to know someone and creating that context, but the idea of designing, establishing and constructing a relationship is pretty boring stuff when it is contrasted to images of a girl strung up on some overhead apparatus being caned, or bound into a contraption that positions her for a piston driven reciprocating dildo.

Unfortunately, these sensational images are most often presented as representing the "lifestyle" some of us "live".

goodgirl said...

Deity, Sir
Generally I am full of opinions and am not at a loss of words; however, I sincerely believe I have nothing to add except thank you for expressing your views on this topic.

Well said and I appreciate your sentiments.


Sexperts said...

Thanks for this post, it is so true and one I think the media and some wanna-be kinksters forget. There are Doms on FL and CM who seem to think every sub is "their" sub. Those relationships have to be built with hard work and sweat, just like every other relationship. Good insights.

Also, I added you to my public blogroll FYI!

Anonymous said...

This post tells me what I already know to be true about you, Mr. Deity. You're an educated gentleman. You're a whole person that seeks a whole person to connect with. And perhaps that connection will, one day, include some forms of objectification, humiliation, subjugation, conjugation, or other "ations" that I can't think of right now.

But at the beginning and end of the day, you deal with real women and real desires. You don't assume anything other than equity and respect for people, male or female, dominant or submissive (or somewhere in the middle ;) And that's why I adore you and your perspective, and why I always look forward to what you have to say.

I wish that more people would read this. More importantly, I wish more people would live it.


Deity said...

shape shifter,
why do you think these pics and poses have permeated on such a mass level? and do you think it has any longstanding implications?

Yes, what are you into, as if being a dominant Top isn't enough work and labor.

Here's the thing, and i wonder if this makes a difference to anyone else who plods on these pages, but i came into my dominant persona long before the Internet and images of a girl strung up were so massively prevalent. To me, when i see those images, i know immediately they are not of "the lifestyle", and am most often critical of them (those ropes aren't confining anything, she was holding that pose for all of 5 seconds, etc.). Do other truthfully look at those pictures and believe they are viewing the real outcropping of an SM relationship? That can't be the case anymore than someone who watches a girl get nine facefuls of cum in a vanilla porn expect that's how coitus must be like. Can it?

thank you, but i doubt you have nothing to contribute. you always have something to contribute.

What defines "wanna-be"? How do i know i'm not one? How does anyone?

just yesterday at a dinner, i was speaking to someone who'd asked how me and my girl were able to sustain what is outwardly evident to most our deep affection and happiness.

I said,"that we have come to peace that we will never be equals."

Now, of course, the person i was speaking to thought i meant "women are inferior". I had to qualify. She will never equal me. I will never equal her. You would never ask an apple to act like an orange, any sooner than you'd ask an orange to take the role of an apple. They do not equate.

When you examine the roles we play in our power dynamic, the same applies. We are not equal. I am not superior, she is not inferior, but we are absolutely not equal.

That i can find someone who acknowledges and embodies this allows the peace that others witness to exist.

Liras said...

I know all about the porn star look, as I cannot find a decent pair of heels that are not 4 in of the ground. Often, they have the platform and other details that make them nightwear, versus daywear. That goes for clothes, jewelry, trends in hairstyles, the whole kaboodle. Ugh.

It has caused us to expect more out of each other, as we navigate our relationships. We are constantly looking for the thing to try. We are measuring our experiences to the carefully crafted ones presented to us. It causes us to fear we are missing something, doing something wrong, not with the right person and so forth.

It causes us to look at the process and implements, not the person. We are losing the point, when the act of sex means more than having sex with a particular person.

As for kinky sex without context, I am horrified by the creeping persistence that any man with any 'deviancy' is ready to kill as soon as he can and roll mirthfully in the blood splatter.

It is a struggle to keep sanity flowing freely with BDSM as well as regular relationships but it is worth it.

Deity said...

Thank you for your comment and for coming by my site.

I think that persistence is helped along by a social discomfort with the idea that someone might derive pleasure from what is often seen as pain.