Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Revealer

I traveled with my girl over last weekend, leaving the city to celebrate a chum's birthday with a few hundred of his friends and relatives. The interesting thing about this gentleman, as is the case with a good number of relationships in my life, is that there is no rational reason for why we have such strong camaraderie. We are polar opposites. He is the East coast to my Western Mountain boy. But, somehow, we get along incredibly well. Most of the time we spend in eachother's company occurs one on one or with our respective partners. On the occasions that either of us have a gathering that involves our autonomous and separate collection of friends, an invitation will get extended to the other. Should the person accept the invite, they will come into a situation where they are surrounded by people they don't know, and largely cannot relate to. Such is the case this past weekend.

My girl, dressed in her newest vintage red polka-dot halter dress, and i arrived at the party and realized we did not know a solitary soul, minus the birthday boy (and his wife). We mingled. We chit-chatted. We jabbed. All of it completely meaningless. Anyone could've played my head-nodding part in the conversations i partook because the subjects never rose above the level of small talk. An hour passed, and i found myself exhausted (from the effort it took for me to show i cared about the stress this person experienced from maintaining his second home in the Berkshires) , and completely disinterested in pursuing any vein of dialogue. Only until the last guests left, and i had exquisite solitude with my host, did i find my spirits fueled and firing.

On the ride back into the city, i gave this much reflection. Was it snobbery on my part? Was it elitism? I didn't think so. I've had conversations with complete strangers on the subway that washed my soul with warmth. The solitary unifier amongst all of my most profound relationships is my ability to find a comfort at revealing and living out some aspect of myself. If i am clammed up, disconnected from myself, or conceal my basic properties, i grow numb to the exchange.

This principle comes shining through in my interactions with my friend K. When we gather, i will note the commencement of our appointment, and then four hours later, i will again glance at my watch as perplexion overcomes me at the expanse of time. We converse on so many subjects (most recently his purchase of a leather hood for his girl) that draw out of me a ribbon of stimulation for me to constantly chew on, i find i lose my perception of passing time. In fact, when you establish a profound connection with someone, when you reveal and offer yourself, you momentarily slip out of the gulf stream of time. In that instant, you feel connected to the universe.

That's what "The Lustful Quality" accomplishes for me. At any moment, when i face a vapid suction of beauty that this world so frequently presents, i gain comfort in knowing, that coming here, i can allow the mechanisms that i've formed inside of me to affect my civilized reaction to the ugliness a reprieve. Instead, i'm able to express myself while tuning into the harmony that runs through all of us (and that is so frequently distorted and overshadowed by all the noise our psyches endure).

We all, at the end of our line, want to feel connected. The sensation of connectedness gives us value, like we serve a purpose in all of this screaming, dryer-tumbling chaos. Like our life isn't just a meaningless passage of time. No one, after all, wants to feel meaningless.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've been a fan for a while, this is my first time commenting. I am a novice submissive and understand exactly your point. The meaningless chatter of social gatherings is exhausting to me as well, I've often wondered if I'm just anti-social. But every rare once in a while I'll come across someone, a stranger, that I can instantly relate with on some level, and it is somewhat magical, and I'm glad to have made a real friend. Especially since I can't relate at all with many people I've known all of my life.

Blogs such as yours fill a need in my life of somehow connecting with other people who share my secrets and desires, besides the only person who knows the real me. Just reading thoughts and experiences like yours makes me feel not so alone in my needs.

So thank you always for sharing yourself with us, strangers but connected in an important way.

Sweetness

doll said...

Oh lord I have been feeling tossed into the void wondering what meaning there is for this existence, I blame it on the full moon and hope desperately that it will pass.

dark_lotus said...

Bravo!!!!

i think you put into words what so many cannot express. i adore your descriptive thought.

oatmeal girl said...

i've been thinking a lot lately about how snobbish i was when i first heard about this world of blogs, where people built a community out of people they'd never met.

then i started opening up to my submissive soul, and wandered into BDSM Blogland looking for knowledge and guidance and self- comprehension.

and now, when i'm going through a hard time, it is in Blogland that i find the most meaningful support, since only here do people know the truth about my desires and my relationship and my now even more submissive soul.

we are very lucky to be able to build a community that transcends space and age and circumstance.

Deity said...

sweetness,
you're very much not alone. but do not just take comfort in that. rather, accept it as an indication that you have a finger touching the element that runs throughout all of us, and the rest of your mind/body/spirit is uniquely and expressly your own.

doll,
i do hope this storm moves adequately with haste.

lotus,
well, it takes a considerable amount of editing, retrying, stepping away from the notebook, cursing it, pacing just inches away from it, walking into another room, grumbling, then resolving to give it another try.

i'm glad i accomplish something with all of my obsessiveness.

o.g.,
snobbish, how so? you looked down upon them? i think most people do that as a defense mechanism to not feel like they are behind the 8 ball.

oatmeal girl said...

i did feel superior, but not at all threatened. it was a general (and uninformed) opinion, and completely unconnected with BDSM.

if there was any defensiveness in my attitude, i suppose that stemmed from trying to fool myself that all my needs were being met by the people in my community. it's a lovely and close community, but no... it doesn't meet all my needs.

la petite dévergondée said...

"a vapid suction of beauty that this world so frequently presents..."

That is very lovely, perfect example of why we write and what we aim for.

♥la petite

Deity said...

la petite,
first off, i adore your profile picture. talk about lusciousness and beauty.

thank you for your kind comment and solidarity with why we take the time to offer others our thoughts.